Making friends...with enemies.

I can’t believe I am blogging about this, but, this is the kind of stupid crap that is part of my day to day life – so, enjoy?

Suffice it to say – if you’ve spent any prolonged amount of time with me, the subject of birds has come up. More accurately, my absolute fear, loathing, disgust and horror of birds.

I can’t even pinpoint the exact moment when birds began to bring about such terror in me but it could have been the time I was 2, sitting in Washington DC with my parents, and got swarmed by pigeons. Or it could have been all the seagulls that terrorized us kids on the playground/lunch area of our California elementary school – making us run, duck, hide, and scream to get away from the attacks for our tater tots or dive-bombing us to poop on us. I saw it happen more than once and it wasn't pretty.

But it could have easily been seeing the movie “The Birds” too. Seriously, how could anyone like birds after seeing that?!

Whatever it was, I just don’t like them. If they ever get too close to me, I freak OUT. I sometimes cry, usually just whimper. And always get as far away from them as possible. 

Once, my ex and I sat on the patio of Red Robin one summer evening and he lured a GIANT goose over with a french fry and was trying to get it as close as he could to me. I nearly committed a murder, I was that upset.

So, it surprised me when – just last night – I realized a pigeon (of all things) had made a little “home” not 4 feet from my back door. In the trellis of my soon to be grapes, I might add.

Something inside me said “Let it stay. Maybe you can conquer this fear, once and for all.”

Hmmm. Stranger things have happened.

So far, the past few mornings that I forget it is there, I walk to my car and it flaps away furiously scaring the living shit outta me. But, I know it’s probably just as scared of me as I am of it. Riiiiight.

Here “she” (he, it? I have no idea, nor do I care..) is: (I just call it "Pidgie" for now....)

UPDATE!!!!!: True to my "airheaded-ness", I realized soon after this post that this was actually a DOVE, not a pigeon. Yeah, I am so smart.

Packing.

Several years back, I think it was 2001 or 2002, I moved 8 times. EIGHT. My father dubbed me “The Gypsy Queen” and I can’t say that I hated the nickname.

I have recognized a pattern in my life since then; one of moving, changing, evolving, never settling. This always reminds me of my childhood when I was running away and never felt “stable” or at peace. I constantly felt a pull or a need to keep trying something new and different.

My biggest passion is to travel and explore. The World, really. And often I feel this is why I’ve never a) found a true home or b) found a true soul mate. 

As I am packing up my life (aka possessions) once again this weekend, I can’t help but feel excited and hopeful, like I always do in these situations. The hope of something bigger and better around the corner.

I doubt I will ever have true roots set down anywhere. And that thought doesn’t scare me; it encourages me. I am a Bohemian at my very core. 

Even being a parent, this hasn't deterred my true nature and I know this will only benefit Berlyn one day. I want her to see things and experience things others haven't. It is possible to raise a child with structure AND adventure, regardless of what anyone says.

In the words of U2, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for….and it feels good to me.

Moving...along nicely.

Every time I start over, I hope it's going to all work out.

Does it? Rarely. But, I keep on trying. I think of myself as being that girl who continually puts her hand on a stove to see if it's hot and keeps trusting and hoping but keeps getting hurt.

Regardless, I don't care. I'll be that way until I die and I would never change that about myself.

So, with great excitement I am announcing wonderful new changes in mine and Berlyn's lives. It's not gigantic or earth-shattering by any means, but well, it's good. And I am excited so...*sticks tongue out*

We are moving into a new house. Granted, it's a rental and it's not in the town I had hoped to live one day but, for now, it works and it will be perfect.

Oh, and the house was built in 1915. Um, so cool! It's so vintage and tailor-made for me because of my love of vintage. The possibilities are endless in this new abode and I can't wait to decorate, paint, buy retro pieces and more. I definitely could be an interior decorator if the Psychology thing didn't pan out.

*I have to mention, I asked the landlord if the house was haunted. He was dead silent for a long time and just stared at me. I still don't know if his silence meant "yes, it is haunted" or "this girl is a whack job." 

Speaking of, school has been horrific. Out of my 5 classes, I am pretty sure I am failing 2 and 1 hangs in the balance but, I knew I was taking on too much and it has now been proven. I guess I can't do everything. Next semester, I am taking some cake classes - and only 2 - so I should be able to recharge and go nuts in the Fall.

And, such is my life, things constantly surprise me when I least expect them too. The job I have had for only 2 months has proven to be a godsend. Not only do I love LOVE my co-workers, I am already on the fast track to a promotion, a raise and who knows what else! The money is nothing to laugh at either.

Finally. I am getting some kind of recognition for my skills and all my hard work. It is so exhilarating!

I can't wait to start posting about my new home and all the neat stuff still to come in 2011. No matter what hurdles I have to jump, I always know things have a funny way of working out.

PS: In even better news, my ex and I are on the road to working out some things. It's been an entire year and a half since we've had ANY contact whatsoever but we both feel it is time to move on and see what the future holds. I can't tell you all how happy this makes me. I can finally put (some of) my past to rest.

Looking Forward

This year has been very odd to me already.

I had all sorts of plans and felt I could take on everything. And by everything, I mean - job, school, motherhood and many personal goals that have been on the back burner for far too long.

But I am only one person. And sometimes too much is well, too much. I learned this the hard way (like I do everything else.)

Thankfully, I have an amazing support system and the opportunity to still change some things up. It's only March so I seriously need to stop being so hard on myself, lol.

Every one of us needs to stop feeling pressure to please others all the time or having too high of expectations. We are all guilty of that. It's not that we aren't capable of certain things - we just need to know our limits as human beings. Balance is super important and gets lost in the shuffle more often than not.

Forgoing sleep, time for ourselves or being social seems doable but in reality - it isn't.

I hope everyone can re-focus if they are feeling overwhelmed by life. Make a list - a realistic one - and recognize where you need to improve but also, where you need to let go or relax. I know doing this has really opened my eyes and now, I can move forward towards my (many) goals in a calm and feasible manner.

Much love to you all! ♥

10 Things I Love (March 2011 Edition)

These are always so fun to do. They help me realize how fun life can be and how blessed I am.

Enjoy!

1. Heart of the Dharma:

Attended my first Buddhist service and wow - it was super. I will be blogging about it very soon! 

(check them out, here --------> http://heartofdharma.org)

2. Target:

Seriously, I find the best stuff ever there. Got these items recently -

 

Groovy Lamp

Got 'em all: only $16.99 each - total steal!

3. Sensual Amber perfume from Bath & Body Works.

Yummmmmy. Bonus? It smells identical to my #1 favorite scent of all time (that I can never find anymore): Guess Marciano.

4. Fake palm tree?

Ever since leaving California, I miss palm trees more than just about anything. So, I finally broke down and bought one. It's tacky - sure. But I smile every time I look at it.

 5. The Strokes.

New album out sooooon!!! One of my guilty pleasures in music. I've really missed them...and the good times I had during their heyday :( I can never forget to mention that Julian kissed me back in 2001. *blush*

6. This little ragamuffin:

Pink!

Tiger!

Newsie!

 7. Anytime Fitness: 

Just joined. They are open 24/7. I can't imagine a better setting than an entire empty gym, all to myself. I plan on using it....for real this time.

8. Urban Outfitters....and this dress:

 9. My Bedroom.

Yep, I said it. I have a crush on my room. I have always been very bohemian and eclectic and my room definitely demonstrates it. Even if I do get told it looks like a bordello - haha - I love it. I can't wait until I have an entire house to decorate. Soon, soon! =)

10. Russell Brand.

I've been known to have some pretty peculiar taste in men. Even I can admit that. 

There is just SOMETHING about him.

Not sure what.

I'll let you know when I find out though.

Rawr!

Me, Version 3.0

Lately I am finding I can do things I never thought I could....or would.

I'd already mastered the "going out to eat/going to the movies" alone thing and felt very grown-up being able to say that. Sometimes I actually prefer it that way.

But when it came to fixing things, taking on larger tasks on my own, I didn't have any confidence in myself. Partly because I never had to before but also, I doubted I could succeed in something as silly as putting together a piece of simple furniture.

In the past week I have: constructed a 5 shelf unit for my bedroom, a toy organizer for Berlyn, fixed my virus-ridden (bleeping bleep bleep) laptop and set-up my own Wii and printer.

Okay, so, not a big deal I know. But to me  -it is. I feel so accomplished, independent and pretty much invincible. It's a nice feeling. So what if I can't cook - that's what restaurants are for. And tires? That's what men were invented for (KIDDING!).

All in all - it's safe to say this girl is now a full-fledged, self-sufficient single momma and I am tickled about it.

Now, if I could only learn to sew on a button...... =)

Hexed

Superstition. Hexed. Cursed.

These are words I sometimes contemplate. More than I should probably. Because, after all, there is no proof that these things exist or are in actuality happening to you.

But sometimes a girl wonders....

I previously posted about being superstitious - and now I am visiting this topic again. mainly because my string of bad luck seems to be wanting to stay - even though it is not welcome - and I am starting to freak out a little. Obviously, I can't help but think about a lot lately. What with the "bad things come in threes" and also, the fact that I have broken large mirrors several times in my life.

Like, seriously, how often does that happen to people?

Well, it's happened to me. Twice. And by my calculations, if all is true, then, that equals to 14 years of bad luck.

Craaaaaaap.

I am a very "spiritual" person; I use that term loosely because really I don't know what I am exactly. Sure, I believe in God, the teachings of Buddha and *gulp* parts of the Satanic Bible make good points (yes, I totally just said that!).

So, wouldn't being superstitious go hand in hand since I am basically a spiritual free-for-all? So, there. I believe in it and that's all that matters.

I believe in ghosts too. But, that's a story for another time.

All I care about is that whatever - or whomever - has hexed me, needs to stop it! Seriously. I am going to go insane, more than I already am.

I hate thinking about the fact that "bad things happen to good people" and nothing ever happens to the real bad ones - and some days, I truly wish I were a bad one. Because then karma would never pay me a visit.

A girl can hope.....sigh.

In the meantime - you probably oughta stay far, far away from me. 

Coming Clean

For the past year and a half, I have had a secret. A horrible, humiliating, embarrassing secret.

And now that it is public knowledge, I felt I should address it head on and hopefully clear up some of the confusion.

Yes folks, I am a criminal. Or, that is what the State of Idaho wants you to think anyways...

Are you surprised?

In August of 2009, after a heated argument between my ex and I - I did the stupidest thing I have ever done (and there have been a lot of those): I slapped him. Once. And, my life ever since then has been a mess.

I now get the privilege (burden) of being known as a "domestic abuser" for the rest of my life. And, if you really know me, this is not the person I really am.I have never hit anyone and I am not violent. If anything I am too nice and even though I have a temper, I would never intentionally hurt ANYONE.

I have, in spite of it all, attempted to make the best of it. I weeded out all the negative thoughts, people and behaviors in my life. I gained perspective, I felt remorse, I grew as a person and I got really motivated to improve my life. (It was actually the catalyst for me going back to school and being as successful as I am right now.)

But it took me a while to get here...and it was excruciatingly painful.

Through the whole ordeal, I managed to come out the other side, grateful, feeling blessed and having a stronger personality, more specific goals, better people surrounding me and a greater sense of self than I ever have.

The one thing I regret, and always will, is that I hurt my ex.  And I was wrong. With the ramifications of my poor decision, I have had no contact with him for one and half years. And the only person that has really hurt has been our precious daughter. If I could rewind time, I would.

This past week, bad news and drama seemed to want to pay me a visit once again. And, this time, I didn't bring it on myself. Not entirely anyways.

I found out my ex had an illness. And I cried.The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sad, powerless and scared. Knowing I couldn't speak to him or reach out to him killed me.

Then, a day later, all that I had written the past several years (my unborn book), all of my photos and even more was wiped from my computer when I got a vicious virus over the weekend. I lost everything.

I all of a sudden had this sneaking thought in the back of my head then - "bad things happen in threes" - and I tried my best to ignore it. I went to work, I went to class, I wrote papers, I dealt with Berlyn's temper tantrums and then - BAM - I woke up one morning to find, I had a warrant out for my arrest.

Why, you ask?

To put it simply, I missed a few classes and a few UA's (drug tests) a while back because I was unemployed for FOUR MONTHS. I was broke. Do you think Idaho cares about that? No. Do you think it matters to them that I have been working my ass off with school, work, motherhood and mandatory probation classes twice a week to "be a productive individual" and actually go somewhere in life? No. Does it matter that this incident happened one and half YEARS ago? Nope.

Why am I explaining all of this to you? Well, I have a track record of being misunderstood. I am a simple, if not boring, girl. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I make mistakes, I love people immensely and I trust too much. And my brain is not always connected. I end up feeling I have to defend myself...constantly. Too many like to judge and they like to assume. And you know what they say about people who assume.... you make an "ass" out of u + me"....something like that. Anyways, I always feel that people, besides my family or closest friends, don't know the real me and don't get how I operate. I am here to tell you, unless you know that I a) never mean anyone harm, b) don't always think things through and c) I think outside the box....then, you don't know me.

So, back to my recent run-in with "the law" - I went ahead and took responsibility. I faced the music. With the help of my ever supportive, loving and accepting parents, I dealt with it. As quickly, efficiently and as maturely as I could.

And now I hope to move the eff on.....again.

A part of me is very angry. I try to put things into perspective. I get that, if you break the law, you have to pay the consequence. And I have. I pay over $200 a month of my money to pay for my mistake. I also pay a lot of my time and energy. I end up feeling drained, ashamed and having to be constantly, daily, reminded of my mistake. There is something so wrong about making someone have to pay for their mistakes....again. And again. And again. It is ridiculous. Especially when they (I) have made major strides to fix and improve one's life. It seems to me that the legal system and law enforcement enjoy having people on probation.
They get a ton of money and they make it impossible for you to escape.

In the process, I have met so many (amazing) women who were abused, manipulated or in unhealthy relationships paying the price for defending themselves. Yes, hitting people is wrong, wrong, wrong. I totally get that. But sometimes, we can't help who we fall for. And if you are like me, you tend to want to see the best in people and ignore the bad. That will get you nowhere. If this has taught me anything, it's that I am not prepared to be in any sort of relationship. Maybe never. I need to fix whatever it is that made me react the way I did and never allow that to happen again. But knowing I am not alone and that not just trashy, bad people do things like slap their partner makes me feel that there is hope and there is a reason for why bad things happen to good people.


The moral of this post?

Even when you are growing, improving and walking the straight line, the past doesn't sleep. It will try to ruin you if you let it.

And I am here to say: I refuse.

Bad News

In the past, I had some people in my life who, at one time, were a HUGE part of it. But then things changed. We grew apart, we didn't see eye to eye and bad things happened. Then, they were gone.

The one that hurts the most is my ex, Berlyn's dad. I was with him for nearly 5 years when we found out we were expecting. And even though those 5 years were difficult and filled with drama, we had a lot of good times in between. These days, I have no contact with him. My daughter is "traded off" each visit by my parents. It makes me sad all the time to think we can't even see each other, let alone speak. But, some things are for the best.

Recently we found out he is sick. As in, has an illness. And it is a scary one. Upon hearing the news I was overwhelmed with emotions I didn't expect to surface. But, they did and it left me feeling such a sadness I could hardly bear it. This isn't about me though. Though it affects my life because of Berlyn. And because he used to be an integral part of my life - I feel scared for him. And wish I could do something. But I probably can't.

Anyways, the purpose of this post was not for sympathy. It was to point out that even when trucking along, making all the right decisions, being a good person and minding your own business - life can smack you upside the head. It always reaffirms in me that I should tell people how I feel - I love them, I care about them, I miss them - even when I feel stupid for saying it so much or it doesn't get said back to me. I don't care anymore. It's important - if you love someone - say it. They need to know. Trust me, nothing is worse than losing someone and knowing they never knew your true feelings.

Hug someone today. Tell them you love them. That's what I plan on doing ♥

A Blessing or a Curse?

Being a single mother has so many advantages. Being a mother, period is a huge blessing. I know this. There are so many out there who want to be parents but aren't or can't. So, I know I am lucky.
To be shallow, the main advantages of being a single one are obviously financial. I'd be lying if I said any different. I would not get the tax return nor the financial aid to attend college if I weren't a single mom.
But beyond those things - being a single mom - to a little girl - is a gift. We are buddies, we are partners in crime and we are best friends. Thankfully, my little girl has a wonderful father in her life too and for that, I am grateful.

The downside? The first would be - feeling alone. Feeling tired, discouraged, overwhelmed, stressed and misunderstood. Trying to be both parents to a child is the most exhausting thing I can imagine. Having to make all of the decisions, all of the appointments, deal with all of the tantrums, illnesses, etc is sometimes more than I can handle. But I do - because I have to and I need to. And, it's worth it.

The other thing? Having friends and family who aren't parents that misunderstand you or judge you. I know it is easy to do. I make plans with friends and have to cancel. It happens a lot more than I wish it did. But the truth is, I am a parent first and foremost. That is my number one priority. I am no longer able to do as I please, stay out all night, make plans on the spur of a moment or even plan for events because something will inevitably come up. It sucks. It makes me look like a flake and like I am unreliable and can't be counted on. But it is the nature of parenthood. Nothing is predictable; everything changes. Daily. Sometimes, hourly. I never know what I will be doing, where I will be or what catastrophe will surface after I make said plans. I hate that it makes people doubt me but I see now that sometimes being a single parent, or a parent at all, you need to have other friends who are in the same boat. Because, they get it. It's not something I can try to explain to anyone who isn't a parent. You have to be in those shoes.

I hope one day to not be a single parent. I dream of meeting a sweet, funny, handsome, fantastic guy who accepts me, Berlyn and all of the hiccups that go along with us both. I would love that. But I can't count on that. I have to have that "plan B" and maybe accept that I might be alone for the rest of my life. The truth is - I am okay with this. I am an independent woman, I have hobbies, I have goals and I don't feel I need a partner to make my life complete. But, it would be nice.

So, the moral? None really. I just felt like I needed to put my thoughts out there. It's very crucial to walk in someone else's shoes before you judge them. I have learned this myself. What you see on the surface is not always how it actually "is".

Breathe in, breathe out.

Ohmygoodness. I am so tired.

Life lately is equivalent to a speeding train. Or, more accurately I am like a speeding train.

Which - I am not complaining. No way.

What's now happening is I am finally functioning at my full capacity. And it feels really good. Being busy is something I needed in my life. Having too much time to think and not act gets old quick and can start to wear on a person.

This past week I have literally not been able to catch my breath.

I wake up every morning - including the weekends - at 430 AM.
On workdays, I arrive at work by 7, work until 4 (which entails non stop typing, accounting and other office stuff), then I go directly to one of my night classes two times a week, including a full day of classes on Saturday and then, there's the homework.
It's the most overwhelming semester for me already. The workload is immense. I barely finish one week's assignments and then it's time to begin the next week. I have seriously contemplated pulling an all-niter but every time I attempt it, I pretty much just pass out. I am a night owl no longer. Sigh.

And, I can't ever leave out being a full time parent. But, everyone already knows that about me.

What they may not know is that I am not the mother of a docile, calm little child. No, what I have is an active, tiny tornado of a girl who refuses to sit still (or be quiet) for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Who gets into everything she can fit her little body or hands into and she does not enjoy when mommy has to go to class, do homework or do anything that means I am not paying attention to her. {And it is seriously hard not to pay attention to her - have you seen her? She is SO CUTE!}

In addition to the flurry of activity, there are all the life changes - new finances, friendships, daily rituals and what not. I am surprised constantly by how my life is evolving and I am seriously over the moon about it. I feel happy for the first time in a loooooong time.

One thing I am really excited about?  My upcoming "visit" to a Buddhist Temple here in Boise. I will be attending for two reasons: to write a paper for my Social Work class and because, well, I want to be a Buddhist. There - I said it. Um, meditation, incense and Buddha? Sign me up! 

To put it in a nutshell - I love my job. I love being in school. I love being single and I love the direction I am headed in. I am genuinely excited about things and look forward to making plans and taking the steps to get to where I need to be.
Unfortunately, there is always the unexpected. Recently there have been two events that have really made me have to stop and compose myself. I won't go into them because it's not anyone else's business - unless you are close to me. I don't want to be a negative nancy all the time so there are some things I will keep to myself. But it makes me realize, even in the calmest of storms, life can be chaotic and ever-changing.

Much love, friends. I haven't had hardly any time to blog or even think about blogging but I will try to stop by once a week or so.... xoxo

Learning to Deal with "Others"

I have never ever been very good at keeping my thoughts to myself. Somehow or another, stuff just always slips out. Usually in a moment of boiling hot rage but sometimes when I am so shocked or taken aback that I can't refrain myself from spewing forth with a snarky retort.

Yesterday, I was pretty proud (and surprised) of myself.

As most everyone knows, I am a full time college kid these days. And when I say "kid" I actually mean I am 31.

I was sitting in my very first Social Work class. Our teacher came in and was just getting started. There were only about 5 of us in the class, when 20 minutes later in walks one of "those girls." You know - not pretty but thinks she is. Basically, she's skinny and has money judging by her bag and coat so automatically, people thinks she's attractive. But she is a total "butterface." She walked with her nose in the air, I swear to you.

*Note: Normally I am not a catty person. I rarely put people down based on their appearance. But when your inner self is ugly as hell, you'd better believe I am gonna point out how ugly you are on the outside. Call me a bitch - I don't care. I just call em like I see em.

She sat down and our teacher continued talking.

Long story short, we were discussing the rich vs. the poor in our country and how the social system treats you differently depending on which one you are. The subject of welfare programs and assistance came up. Having been on a few of them while I was pregnant and a new mom, I have the personal experience regarding these. But I got myself off of them as soon as I could. Thank god those systems were in place or else I would have been in serious trouble. I also know I am not a deadbeat. Or lazy. I work my ass off and I refuse to take advantage of the system or expect people to just give me things. That's why I am no longer using those programs.

This girl pipes up and goes off about how much better the poor have it. (???!!!)

She says they have it "good and live a better life than the rich because they don't have to pay for anything." She went on about how "the poor" get free housing, free food, free daycare, free medical, etc. Uh, yes sometimes. If you qualify. And even then, you don't get all of that. Your life is NOT better than someone with a lot of money. Dumbass.

She said a bunch of other stuff too about how "because she is a business owner, the poor are a strain on her livelihood and thus make her life more difficult so in comparison the poor have a better life." By that point, my ears were ringing and my blood was boiling.

When it comes to anything related to the social system, the opressed and any injustice in our society, I get PASSIONATE. I have a zillion opinions on it all and nothing gets me more emotional and more heated. So, obviously, this class is going to be all sorts of fun.

You could hear a pin drop in that class. The 2 girls seated next to me exchanged shocked looks with one another and I. A few minutes later, one of my girls went OFF on Ms. Snooty Pants and of course, Ms. Snooty Pants totally back-pedaled. To add a nail in the coffin - she is in a Social Work class - meaning, we all more or less want to be social workers. Would you want this girl trying to help you??? She wasn't even "sure if she wanted to be a social worker or not." My vote? Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.

For me, I was astonished that I didn't spin around and give her a tongue-lashing too. But - I didn't. I was a good girl. I sat there calmly, sipping my Mountain Dew and getting a kick out of the reactions of everyone else.

I can tell this class is going to be very interesting =)

Hello, Again.

Hi Friends!

So, I am back. At my original blog here on Blogger. Again.

I ditched WordPress because frankly, it was kinda dumb. I won't go into it but after all the posting and privacy issues, I decided - why turn your back on a good thing? Blogger was nothing but kind to me so, here I am!

On a personal note, haha, I am trying not to "over share" sooo much about me all the time. And when I say that what I really mean is all of my "inner stuff" - not my life events, because those of course I am gonna share! I'm proud of myself.

But, when it comes to the way my mind works and processes things, I've noticed that others just don't see the way I do. And I am totally fine with that. It's really nothing new for me.

I have had a crazy year already and about 90% of it has been super fantastic stuff. I still have my down days, like everyone else who has a pulse, and now they just remind me that I am human and I am allowed to have an off day every once in awhile. And then, I just pick myself up and stomp on, baby.

Today I was reminded of several things.

1. I am a woman and an American so I am entitled to many freedoms. With that being said, I can change my mind, I can decide things for myself and I can practice freedom of speech and expression.

2. Not only am I a woman, I am a grown ass one. And a damn good one. I don't need other's permission or judgments on how to conduct my life.  Thankyouverymuch. =)

3. I am a lover. Always will be and nothing can or will change that. If you hurt me? I will walk away from you and find someone else to love. It's that simple. I think revenge, game-playing and being clingy/needy are a total waste of time.

4. I seriously can't believe what the power of positive thinking (and planning) can do. I am dumbfounded over how well things have progressed just in a matter of months when I decided to a) change my thinking and b) change my actions. I now know that your state of mind translates into what kind of life you will have.

5. I love being a student. I could see myself doing it for the next 5 years. And actually, I probably will. I have my sights set on a Bachelor's and  to reach even higher, that Masters has my name on it. There is literally nothing that can stop me.

I have posted a few of my posts from over at WordPress from December/January. Feel free to "catch up" with me and I hope you'll all continue to visit!

Much love and warm wishes,
Sarah

Clean House has got nothing on me.

If you are like me, watching shows such as ”Clean House“, “Hoarders“ and “How Clean is your House?” is comparable to drinking 5 energy drinks and eating 3 candy bars in an hour. I get pumped. My adrenaline starts racing and I feel like springing off the sofa so that I too can tackle any piles, boxes, clutter. I am a neat freak, people. I freely admit it.

So, being inspired partly by these shows and also having a natural OCD tendency, I decided to start my New Year off right. Why? Well, for starters, I will be moving (out of my parents house) this year. Wahoooooo! It’s been a long time coming .

My “storage unit” has been neglected for far too long. Over these past few weeks I have taken on this massive project. And when I say storage unit, I really mean my parent’s barn which holds about 50 of my boxes and all of my furniture. Living with just the “bare essentials” this past year has been very freeing and I’ve enjoyed it. But I miss my “stuff.” More accurately, I miss being able to get rid of stuff.

So, I bought those monster plastic bins (20, to be exact) and dove in to all of my “past” that was collecting dust (and…other things) outside.

Only a few. I ended up with a total of 30 bins.

I wasn’t truly prepared for what I would feel. Call it a time warp, a flashback. Either way, I had to come face to face with parts of my past and it wasn’t pretty.

First order of business? My giant Motley Crue collection. Now, if you don’t know me, this sounds odd. But having been a Motley Crue fan since I was 11 years old, I obviously accumulated tons of stuff. And add in my “ebay blitzkrieg” a few years back and what you have is a lot of items most normal people would never dream of spending money on. But I did. And I loved those things more than anything. Until, I discovered – I grew up.

Last night, I was almost in tears. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But having to trash pictures and items that have long been a comfort to me and hold nothing but super, sexy and silly memories was devastating. I came to my mom and told her what I had just gone through and she actually was empathetic – probably because she knows what a freaking nut I was (and am) about Motley Crue. But I did it and I have to say – I feel like I’ve become a newer, better version of myself. FYI – I still love those boys, I just refuse to have little “shrines” of them any longer.

The next thing? I tossed nearly everything that was a hand me down. Of course I kept things that had some significance or were family related but other than that – garbage. I hope one day to actually purchase and own nice things, things that reflect who I am and that I can take pride in. I’m already on my way to picking out my dream purchases…..it’s pretty much more exciting than snorting meth.

Perhaps the most humorous part of this whole experience (besides finding that box of letters from my ex-felon, ex-boyfriend or, that long lost issue of Playgirl (lol)) is that my daughter, Berlyn has been by my side through the whole process. Within this year her and I will be moving. And she is extremely stoked about “our new house.” She talks about it every day. In the process, she sees some of my belongings and either wants to keep them for herself (oh crap, another pack rat) or she gets emotional. Wha???? Yeah – I found an old photo album of all the cats I’ve had in my life – 8 to be exact - and when she saw the photos of my past kittens, she started to cry because a) she knew I no longer had them and b) she wanted to just pet them so bad. Lol – poor little dear.

Let’s not forget the ick factor here. I live out in the “country” and a lot of my boxes have been torn into by….shudder…..rodents. Needless to say, I found a mouse skull and that entire box went buh-bye.

The coolest find? Since I’ve been working on my book, I have been in the process of gathering up all of my writings – and was surprised to find a lot of it was out in storage! So, good thing I went through this whole ”cleansing” because there was some gooo-goood stuff hiding in there!

My #1 best cleaning tip? I have found that the miracle product to clean virtually anything is: baby wipes. Seriously, I am obsessed with them.

*In addition to the storage debacles – another major change has occurred as of New Year’s. I am freely admitting it here – and am beaming as I say this – I no longer drink alcohol and I don’t even miss it. No – I am not pregnant. But I am trying to take control of my life and stop being a slave to addictions of any kind. (This would also include shopping.) Not only have I lost weight I have also felt stronger, clearer and 1000 times more motivated to reach my goals. Obviously I had to replace my old addiction for another one – so, energy drinks and coffee are now my bff’s. Thankfully, caffeine really has no effect on me so it’s more of a psychological dependence. Which – maybe not such a good thing. Okay, forget what I just said.

Survey Says

Saw a survey just like this over on another blog – and felt like it would be fun to do. It’s been awhile since I’ve done any sort of “survey.”

1. What word or phrase would you like to see banished from our everyday vocabulary in 2011?

I overuse a lot of words – “like”, “totally”, “Omg” – I am pretty much a walking Valley girl. So – not those ones.
The words I can’t stand? Basically any of the negative/sexist words for women that we try to pass off as “liberating” and “funny” – they aren’t. These would include: slut, whore, bitch, etc. Why do grown woman call each other these names, even for fun? It baffles me. Oh, and talking like a “gangsta”. Um – please stop.

2. Do you consider opportunity something that comes to you or something you create for yourself?

It most definitely is both. Certain opportunities present themselves to you if you are on the right path or even, seeking them out. But for the most part, I think we create it. We are always in control of what happens to us. Unless of course you’re talking about an earthquake or the Apocalypse.

3. Since we’re all eating healthy this month, ahem, what’s included in your favorite salad? Is there dressing?

Not much of a salad fan. (Although, I could easily consume an entire bottle of Blue Cheese if I had too.) When I eat “healthy” it consists of my buddies Slim-Fast, Special K and Lean Cuisine. It’s the only sure-fire way I ever lose weight.

4. Do you get the blues this time of year and if so what is something you do to lift your spirits?

Nope, not really. Although I hate hate hate the cold. I am a true weather snob because I was blessed with being raised in Southern California and I was spoiled with 70-ish degree weather all the time.

Besides the weather, I always feel vastly motivated in the first few months of the year – mainly in anticipation of what’s to come. And this year – it is gonna be FABULOUS!!!

5. Do you wear a watch? Any other everyday jewelry essentials?

I wear close to zero amounts of jewelry. Usually only small diamond studs in my ears. And there is a reason I don’t wear anything else – long ago I had “borrowed” a bunch of my mom’s rings and was wearing one on each finger. I boarded a Downtown LA bus one day (gross!) and got my hand caught between the seat and the wall – I think I had dropped something? Anyways, when I pulled my hand back up, all the rings came off and were lost forever in the dirty bus’ vortex somewhere beneath the seat. And it was my stop – so I left them there. Only later did I found out, some of the rings were irreplaceable. So, I don’t wear things I can lose. God help me when (and if) I get married!

6. What is something useful you learned in high school?

I learned how to form my ideals, beliefs and opinions and not let others sway me. I learned that those snotty, immature, mean girls are going to grow up and have a crappy life. (Well, if karma is kind, they will. Haha. Kidding.) And I learned to be myself and realize that people will always be mean, judgemental and ignorant. School is a great precursor to the real world. Oh, and that math crap? You never use it. Trust me, I do accounting and you don’t.

7. Do you use an accountant when completing and filing your income tax returns or do you attempt to muddle through all by yourself?

Speaking of accounting. I do it all by myself. It’s so easy….and so liberating!

8. Insert your own random thought here-

Just one? Okay – right now – I am having the most difficult time being PATIENT. God! I feel like I am about to jump out of my skin, I am on pins and needles about 3 different things. I hate waiting. I just want a f&(*ing answer – now!

(Update: I got one answer yesterday. And it was a good one.)

2011 – Be Good to Me.

“The 3 C’s of life: Choices, Chances and Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.”

My life is far from perfect. There are many things I wish I had but either they aren’t in the cards or my time just hasn’t come yet. Regardless, I try to be happy and take one day at a time. And I have several things in my favor: Dreams, ambition, good people, a beautiful little girl, inner beauty, a kind heart, resilience, strength and a whole hell of a lot of potential. At the end of the day, no one can take that from me.

I have moderate hopes for 2011 – not high ones, because that always backfires. I know there is a lot of hard work ahead of me this coming year. Sure, it’d be nice to be spoiled by someone or have things easy but hell – that has never been the route my life has taken. Instead, I work my ass off and have to fight hard for what I want. So I know within the next few years, life is finally going to be pretty close to perfect for Berlyn and I.

Much love this New Year, friends! See you all next year.

Every End is a New Beginning

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul”

~G. K. Chesterton~

This is a good time to reflect on 2010, what’s happened and what I hope for 2011.

The word for 2010 for me was Change. Everything changed. My friendships, my family dynamic, my expectations, my beliefs. I started to think more about the big picture and how I could contribute to others, and not just what I could get for myself. Becoming a mother was definitely a step in the direction of being a more self-less being.

I have found myself within new surroundings, new ideas, new goals, making new friends and trying to simplify my life – in all areas. All of this has enriched my life greatly, and nourished my soul. I am deeply grateful for all the people I have met or grown closer to in 2010. They have played a huge part in influencing my evolution. I even learned how important it was to have self-control and to bite my tongue, at times. Two things I have always struggled with.

Some of the changes in my life this year have been grueling, painful, tedious. Others have been exciting and refreshing and give me hope that there is so much more for me out there in the world. In 2010, I have gained more clarity on who I am. I have given a lot of thought to the priorities in my life: what I want to stand for, what I won’t compromise on, who I want to spend time around, what I want my influences to be and what I will not allow myself to be exposed to. The biggest change has been in my attitude. I no longer carry grudges, resentments, chips on my shoulder – everyone makes mistakes, including me, and who am I to judge?

The moments I felt most like myself and most inspired in 2010 occurred internally. Usually brought on by spending time with my daughter, or close friends or even attending self-help classes. Going through school opened my eyes to the possibility that I could really, truly be whomever I wanted to be.

When focusing on my good traits – I could say that I have a heart as big as the ocean. I love people. I let people in, I let them be who they are and often times, I still love them regardless of the pain they have caused me. I know now this needs to change – especially to protect myself – but also, realizing others have a profound influence on your own well-being. Constant negativity or conflict leads to nothing good. But, I love that I have a kind soul and I am always batting for the underdog and the outcast. It’s no secret that it will make me a better social worker one day and I am grateful for that quality.

What do I do that makes people happy? Well, I am silly and often a little off the wall. I could even say I suffer from being an airhead every once in a while and a lot of people find this entertaining…or maybe they feel sorry for me. Either way, I am always comfortable laughing at myself. People always compliment me on my sweet nature. I rarely will be rude, mean or malicious to anyone. If I am – it means you’ve pushed me to my breaking point.

The wisest choices I made this year were about getting rid of the unnecessary. Getting rid of friendships that weren’t working, getting rid of stuff, and getting rid of the fear and attachment that went with each of those. I also reevaluated my own behavior and for the first time saw the mistakes I have made, over and over. The first step in correcting something is admitting it. So, I am on my way.

The lesson that has been the most valuable to me this year is that negativity is contagious. And, so is positivity. All I want to focus on in the future is putting out the good vibes and then, getting them back. The other lesson? There are some mean, judgemental, ignorant people in the world. Several times this year I got very very angry and upset about how people acted or responded to things. But in the end, no one can change someone else – they have to want to change. And it’s just not worth it sometimes to go head to head. Let them make their own bed.

What did I avoid this year? I avoided as much drama as I could. I kept mum about many things, I had my guard up around many people and I didn’t dare venture into the dating world at all. I am just not ready. I have some major trust issues because of the events of the last few years – key people in my life betraying me out of the blue. It is all I can do to not put my heart out there and hope it doesn’t get sent back shattered.

My advice to myself for 2011 is: to not look back, to dream as big as possible, to slow down and love each moment, to relish the simplicity of life, to take time out to achieve clarity and to consult the heart and soul when making decisions.

People I would like to thank:

*My parents. I never thought I’d be living with them at my age but they have looked out for me constantly. They always have my best interest at heart and I am thankful to have such dedicated parents.

*My brother and sister-in-law. I spent much of this past year in their company and found that I could laugh, enjoy myself , talk seriously, share my innermost feelings and never be judged. They also assisted me in times of need when I needed a place to escape and unwind.

*My best friend, Stephanie because she is always right there. Always. And she really hears me.

*Dawn because she continually gives me wonderful, encouraging advice and a laugh, when I need it.

*Some of my newer friends for showing me that new beginnings are possible and sometimes better than what you had before.

*My ex because he opened my eyes to how badly I was behaving and treating him in the past. I hope to one day rebuild that bridge and be a great co-parenting team with him.

*All of my longtime friends who are still a part of my life and show never-ending support and love. I love you guys!

*Last but not least, my professors at school who pushed me and criticised me and rewarded me for a job well done.

*And, of course, Berlyn. She is everything. She teaches me something new every day and the love I have for her is beyond anything I can describe. “Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us.”

What social event rocked your socks off in 2010? Oh – that is easy. Attending the Chris Isaak concert in August with my dear friend, Satya. Not only was it an amazing concert full of sexy music (and frontman) but at the end, Mr. Isaak invited me and my 2 friends on stage, to dance. What an exhilarating and spontaneous moment. I’ll never forget it.

What is my word for 2011? It’s Motivation.

In 2011, let me above all else, work hard, be focused, have my priorities straight and my heart wide open and one day, I am going to be exactly where I want to be.

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011?

1. Drama
2. Dating
3. Bills
4. Temper tantrums
5. Car trouble
6. Arguments and fights
7. Miscommunications
8. Bad grades
9. Bad hair days
10. Illnesses
11. Another baby {hahahaha}

And, hands down – the best moment of the year was the day Berlyn was finally, 100% potty-trained.

Evil Mommy

I have always prided myself on two things. My open, kind, giant heart. And, my quirky, twisted sense of humor. They don't sound like they really go hand in hand. But it works for me.

I always knew I wouldn't be a "normal Mom" - not by a long shot. One of my good friends teased me years ago that she envisioned me putting eyeliner on my infant. At the time, it probably wasn't far from the truth but I never did. {Oh wait, yes, on Halloween I put eye makeup on Berlyn. And she looked darn CUTE!} I also had the "brilliant" idea that once I was a mom I would buy tons and tons of those Kid Cuisines for my child, because well, I can't cook. Yeah, that sounds so healthy, right?!

Anyways, I think nothing is funnier than kids that get mad, curses or embarrasses themselves. No, I am not cruel and mean, I just get a kick out of stuff like that. To a point of course. I'm not Satan.

Recently, Berlyn's beloved "Baby bunny" was left at daycare. Since I have been out of work, we only go to daycare once a month or so. Berlyn has not been apart from Baby Bunny for ONE DAY since she was born. If you look at any of my photos of her, Baby Bunny will be making an appearance. But I think Baby Bunny has overstayed her welcome. Gone is the bottle, the binkies, the diapers, the baby toys, the crib, so why can't Baby Bunny get the eff out too? Besides - this thing looks diseased. Berlyn has tortured this thing and I am amazed it's still in one piece.

Now, my confession. I left Baby Bunny at daycare for -- 3 weeks. I know, I know...I am terrible. But it worked! Berlyn finally forgot about B.B. and all was right with the world. Until....I got her back. Now they are attached at the hip (or really, B.B.'s nose to Berlyn's mouth...yeah, she attacks this thing like a rabid pit bull. Must be a sign of affection or something.) I will have to work on this...but later.

Onto our Siamese cat, Kiera. Berlyn is obsessed with this poor cat. To the point that she thinks she is her "Mama." Haha, it's really cute but not when she squeezes the ever-loving life out of her and tries to smother her with pillows and blankies so she is "cozy." The biggest obstacle I am facing with Kiera is the fact that she is strictly an outdoor cat while we are at my parents house. Berlyn cannot understand this concept, at all. Mainly because Kiera used to live inside, with us. So this leads to a daily begging and screaming fit where Berlyn tries to bribe ME into having Kiera come inside. I started fibbing to telling her that Kiera was "busy" and was off with her "kitty friends" having a "kitty party." Lol....last night Berlyn ran in to tell my parents Kiera was at a "kitty party." They looked at her like she had lobsters coming out her ears.

*Note: I can't forget to mention the one incident involving Kiera inside which equalled Berlyn dumping an entire bowl of CAT FOOD....IN MY BED. Talk about a nice surprise.

There are a host of other things I've done or said that I might regret one day. Maybe. Just this morning Berlyn ate a chocolate chip off the carpet (who knows how long it was there....shudder); and I looked at her and said "That was poo." Her eyes, big as saucers, she promptly screamed "No, it's NOT!!!!". Hey, it gave me a giggle.

I need to focu....oh, look a squirrel!!!!

This is the week before Finals Week. For some reason, last year about this time, my finals weren't nearly as scary. But then I remember that I had dropped 2 of my classes and I only had 2 finals. This year I have 3 (and a 1/2). The 1/2 would be a giant portfolio for my hard-ass Nazi English teacher and I am more freaked out about that than my other 3 finals combined. What the? Thankfully, I now just have one more essay to write for her and then she is outta my life forever!

Ugh. If I can just get through these next 2 weeks (without all the other distractions in my life) then I will have 12 more credits accumulated, have an entire month off from school and get to actually enjoy Christmas.
On a sour note, I get to spend that month off job hunting and planning to find my own place. Again. I swear, I cannot wait for the day when I can FINALLY set some real roots down somewhere. I didn't get the nickname "gypsy queen" for nothing!

The next month or so I *hope* to be very relaxed....and focused. Lots to accomplish in the new year and as always, I am not a patient person! Haha. Regardless, I am on the right path. Yay me!

Destruction, baby.

Being a mom, I don't ever really know what is considered "normal" behavior for a toddler. I have my own opinions but then I look at other kids and think, "Wow, mine is so....different." Not that that's a bad thing. I rather like that she is. But sometimes I wonder...She is a pretty intense little girl, lol.

Lately Berlyn has taken to tantrums and lots of whining, screaming and crying. It is awful. I can't even tell you how awful. You just want to have a pause button for them sometimes so you can go in the other room and breathe.
What's worse than the tantrums though is when they start to destroy your stuff. I am not that materialistic, really. But I do have certain things that I own that I am very sentimental about and get upset when they are obliterated. Naturally, who wouldn't be?

Case in point: Last year my Siamese cat got on top of my kitchen cabinets and knocked down several very unique and special items. One was a bowl from Japan - my grandparents gave it to me. And the other? A crystal wine glass with my name and the date of my friends (Stan and Stephanie)'s wedding. They had it made just for me, when I was 6. Oh, and Stan died when I was 12. It was irreplaceable. I cried for days, literally. I'm still pissed at my cat.

So anyways, back to Berlyn. In the last few weeks she has destroyed two of my prized possessions. And I am terrified of what she gets to next. God help me.

Here's the damage...so far:



Art Deco vase I've had forever.




Limited Edition print of Marilyn - (luckily the marks are only on the frame.) But still.

**UPDATE** 12.07.10

Here's another one. Sheesh! Do I need to buy a giant vault for my stuff or what?!

My soccer trophy. The little guy will never be the same.