Now, I want to puke...

There are very few things in this world that disgust me. Rap-metal aside, I can stomach just about anything. And when I mean anything, I mean...I can watch back to back Tarantino, Rob Zombie and Hostel movies like they are Care Bear movies.
Watching TV the other day with my 4 year old, a commercial aired that had me kind of grossed out.

"Creepy Crawlers Incredible Edibles."

Among the many great features, you can create "disgusting and delicious body parts like slimy and gooey brains, hearts, eyeballs and more!" And also, "gross out your friends and family as you slurp and gulp down your hideous creations!!"

No shit.

Mission acomplished, Mattel. And what's funnier, these are sold at Toys R Us. Guess the ouija boards weren't selling like hotcakes anymore.

Am I a conservative mother? Ha! Hardly. Obviously, I understand this is a toy. But, really?
I just cannot, for the LIFE of me, understand why children would want to eat body parts -- gummy or not. Why not just stick to the old time favorite (while still grossing people out) and just pick your nose?

One Proud Momma!

Check out my little munchkin. Like, seriously? I am overwhelmed at how amazing she is.

Am I bragging? You bet your sweet ass I am.

Parenting WIN

I have always been boy-crazy. Like, since the age of 3 or something. It's ridiculous.

I was curious when my own little one would start down that path. And, ladies and gents, I think it's starting....

Not only that, her taste seems awfully familiar.

Behold, Berlyn's first official crush:

And to show that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Here are MY first crushes:

 

Notice anything similar?

Lil Miss Sunshine

No matter what struggles or triumphs I face in my life, there is always one constant.

The love I have for my little girl.

Pumpkin Power!

This weeked was a first for our family.

Berlyn had never, ever carved a pumpkin. Or, more importantly, seen the inside of one.

I bought 2 good sized ones for me, Berlyn and her daddy so we could have a pumpkin party last Friday evening.

The end result? Berlyn's dad did all the drawing and carving, I took some pics and Berlyn kept trying to get to the knife - lol. In the background, we were watching one of my favorite 80s horror flicks "Waxwork." Not as "homey" as I had imagined but, it was still fun.  Now, just hoping these things don't rot by Halloween.....

Finished!

Kid Stuff, Psychology and the Science of Cartoons

There is some weird shit out there in Kid-Dom these days. Sometimes I am just baffled by what I see. I often find myself wondering, 'who writes this stuff, who okays it and what do kids actually think about this'?!

What is appropriate and what is not appropriate?

This began to bother me when I read about the iCarly episode that Nickelodeon aired. NAMI was the one to report on it and this is what they said:

"iCarly, a popular comedy for “tweens” and younger kids, will air a show “I Lost My Mind,” w/a character who checks into a “mental hospital”; her friends try to “break her out.” Promo commercials use language like “crazy” and “insane.”
If inclined, contact Nickelodeon at: Nickprivacy@nickonline.com or: (212) 258-7579 or Nickelodeon Viewer Services, 1515 Broadway 44th Floor, NY 10036."

I can't count how many times in my own life filled with television, movies, etc that scenes like this one have been rampant. and, we don't even bat an eyelash. Why is that? Maybe the perpetuation of this stigma is the PROBLEM. Hmm, ya think?

Then, a few weeks later, I checked out a book from the local library for Berlyn. It was called “Don’t call me Pruneface” and I thought it looked silly and amusing. Especially because of the title. Literally on the first page is this picture/caption:

I felt really uncomfortable even reading this to my daughter. I kept thinking to myself “what does she think this word means? Is this supposed to be funny?”

Having been called many of these names in my own life by former friends, acquaintances, boyfriends - “crazy, lunatic, psycho, mental, nuts” – these are words that HURT. These are words that carry a very strong and negative connotation to them regardless of how you “mean” them. Most people are so ignorant or clueless that they think they are harmless.  Or, don’t care. I’ve even caught myself referring to people with these words and I feel such a sense of shame. The most shameful part is that I don't even really MEAN it, it's just such a habit that they involuntarily come out.

How do we break this cycle?

Next is a subject I definitely need to pay more attention to and be concerned with. Having a daughter is both a blessing and a curse.

I've really started to notice how females are portrayed in television shows, books, songs, movies, and our society. I am not a feminist by any means but I am also not a soccer mom. I am not married (I choose not to be), I am in full support of nudity, pin ups and burlesque; I love Motley Crue and 'Married with Children' (which are 2 of the most sexist. misogynist things out there) but, I am all about women's lib, women's rights, etc. I am a dichotomy, I know... Ha!

So, I was really startled when, in a scene from Scooby‘s“Camp Scare” with Velma and Daphne, Velma is told by a male to "just stand and look pretty". Daphne's excited/giggly response? "He thinks you're pretty!!!"

I had a “what-the-fuck” moment. I couldn’t believe my ears. The original Scooby is from 1969 (so, sexism might seem a little more fitting back then) but this movie was made in 2010.

Not good.

Don't even get me started on Katy Perry. I truly love her (her style and her music) and so does Berlyn. A LOT. Do I think she's harmless? Yes, personally I do. But some of her lyrics are not appropriate for young girls. and kids always have a knack for picking out/hearing the worst parts. Recently, Berlyn said to me "Mommy, can I hear that 'Strangers in my Bed' song?" HUH?! Translation = "Last Friday Night".

I do not want to ever become one of those parents who uses the media as a "babysitter" and/or educator.  I definitely believe in monitoring what my child is exposed to.

At the same time, I don't believe in being TOO rigid and censored or denying my child the ability to discover music, art, books and film.

It's a hard call.

Punching Bags are a Wonderful X-Mas Gift.

Expectations are useless. Especially if they are of other people. My new motto?  

“FUCK ‘EM. Take care of yourself. The end.”

{Sorry, that was a little harsh but, well, it needed to be said.}

The list of “stresses” I have in my own life is about 5 pages long. Will I share them with you?

Hell no.

Sorry, no offense, but my problems are not YOUR problems and it’s pointless to burden others(you)with your (my)own negativity.

Something to remember though, and I always come back to this ---------- >

(*There are so many people I wish I could share that above photo with. Seriously. Just cram it down their throat. I know, personally, it's made me stop short and want to slap myself upside my OWN head.)

Let’s just say: Stress is NOT my friend. I got some advice from my nearest and dearest recently on how they deal with stress since I am so obviously clueless. My favorite response, by far, was from my sister in law. 

“Punching bags.”

Oh, lord that would be heaven. Who wants to buy me an an early Christmas gift? Anyone?

But, the one that kept coming up was pretty simple.... Breathing. Relaxing, Peace. Meditation.

Do you have any idea how often I’ve dreamed of this unattainable world of peace?!?!

*More times than I’ve thought of naughty time with Criss Angel*

I have lingered around the Buddhist teachings (loosely) in the past and always, ALWAYS come back to them. I think it's a beautiful culture....a beautiful practice, and one that very definitely needs to be a part of my own life.

So, today, at my own personal breaking point – I made a sign - and I am not sharing it with you because, well, it sucks. I have the artistic skills of a 2nd grader. It reads:

"Mommy is Meditating."

Will it work?

Let’s hope for the sake of all the little children (namely, Berlyn), it does.

Namaste!

Be Careful What You Say to Little Children.

Seriously, folks.

About a month ago, we had a little issue with Berlyn.

Lying.

Oy. Really? Already? She’s only four. I guess it starts earlier than I thought.

Her dad and I were watching 'Pan’s Labyrinth'. 

(If you’ve never seen it, there is a hideous monster in it. He has no eyes…well, he does. They are on his hands. And he eats little children. I am totally not making this up.)

This is a foreign film, fyi. And it’s pretty messed up but well, I typically like that sort of thing.

Anyways, one evening Berlyn had been grounded for about 3 nights straight. For lying. We had no idea how to convey to her the importance of telling the truth.

I had already tried the Pinocchio tactic numerous times...."Your nose is growing, Berlyn." She would stop, feel her nose and yell "No, it's NOT!!!"

Fail.

So, her dad says, “See that guy? (points to monster), he doesn’t like lying. His name is Frank. I have his number in my phone.”

You should have seen Berlyn’s face. Priceless.

Odd how we are trying to teach her the importance of lying, when, we - her parents, are…well, lying.

So, over the next few days, here and there, when she was misbehaving her dad would say “Want me to call Frank?” and she would scream “NO!!!!”

Today, she walked up to me with 2 strawberry hard candies on her hands, held them up to her eyes and said, “Mommy, I’m Frank.”

 God, I totally forgot about that. Guess that sort of stuff does stick...

Wall of Shame

Many years ago, one of my long time friends used to joke about (if) she ever had children, she would construct a "wall of shame" in her home that showcased all of the embarrassing and horrific photos of her child behaving badly.

When I heard her idea, I was not yet a mom but you better believe I laughed my ass off. Can you imagine? Your child as a teenager and them bringing home a date or friends and then leading them down the hallway to view their "wall of shame"? I giggle every time I think about it.

I never actually considered doing this to my own child. Then, I had Berlyn. She is an angel. *cough*...Usually. But when she isn't?  I do take pictures of her so she can see how ridiculous she is being/acting. It seems to work once she gets an eyeful of a hideous picture of herself. I know I learned MY lesson years ago from all the traumatic shots my mom had of me in family albums.

Will I really construct my own "Wall of Shame" for my daughter? Not sure yet. Only time will tell. Depends on how wild of a teenager she ends up being. Then, it will be my revenge.

I think being able to embarrass your child is a parent's right and more often than not, it is so fun.

Here are a few of my faves...and one day, will probably be some of Berlyn's least faves.

##$@%^% this beach, shit!

I don't wanna.

Please feed me, I am starving.

Haha!

Waking up is not so pretty.

Call me, OGB.

Haunted Mansion @ Disneyland. Obviously, not enjoying herself.

My Grumpy Valentine.

V-Day.

Valentine's Day for a single woman is pretty much miserable. It does nothing but throw in your face the fact that you are alone, no one wants you and you might be destined to die....alone.

With that being said, I no longer fear this holiday. I believe that one day I will have a man in my life who will love and care for me and might even take me to dinner.

But until then, I see Valentine's as a day to express and receive love. Period. That's it. Love is the greatest (free) gift in the entire world.

My Valentine this year? My girl, Berlyn. She wished me a "happy valentine's day, Mommy" about 5 times today and every time it made me feel so very lucky and like my heart was going to explode.

{Getting all the texts from friends today was wonderful too. I have some amazing people in my life. I love you guys.}

Tell the people you love in your life just HOW much you love them today. And well, every day. Life is too short.

XOXO!

A Blessing or a Curse?

Being a single mother has so many advantages. Being a mother, period is a huge blessing. I know this. There are so many out there who want to be parents but aren't or can't. So, I know I am lucky.
To be shallow, the main advantages of being a single one are obviously financial. I'd be lying if I said any different. I would not get the tax return nor the financial aid to attend college if I weren't a single mom.
But beyond those things - being a single mom - to a little girl - is a gift. We are buddies, we are partners in crime and we are best friends. Thankfully, my little girl has a wonderful father in her life too and for that, I am grateful.

The downside? The first would be - feeling alone. Feeling tired, discouraged, overwhelmed, stressed and misunderstood. Trying to be both parents to a child is the most exhausting thing I can imagine. Having to make all of the decisions, all of the appointments, deal with all of the tantrums, illnesses, etc is sometimes more than I can handle. But I do - because I have to and I need to. And, it's worth it.

The other thing? Having friends and family who aren't parents that misunderstand you or judge you. I know it is easy to do. I make plans with friends and have to cancel. It happens a lot more than I wish it did. But the truth is, I am a parent first and foremost. That is my number one priority. I am no longer able to do as I please, stay out all night, make plans on the spur of a moment or even plan for events because something will inevitably come up. It sucks. It makes me look like a flake and like I am unreliable and can't be counted on. But it is the nature of parenthood. Nothing is predictable; everything changes. Daily. Sometimes, hourly. I never know what I will be doing, where I will be or what catastrophe will surface after I make said plans. I hate that it makes people doubt me but I see now that sometimes being a single parent, or a parent at all, you need to have other friends who are in the same boat. Because, they get it. It's not something I can try to explain to anyone who isn't a parent. You have to be in those shoes.

I hope one day to not be a single parent. I dream of meeting a sweet, funny, handsome, fantastic guy who accepts me, Berlyn and all of the hiccups that go along with us both. I would love that. But I can't count on that. I have to have that "plan B" and maybe accept that I might be alone for the rest of my life. The truth is - I am okay with this. I am an independent woman, I have hobbies, I have goals and I don't feel I need a partner to make my life complete. But, it would be nice.

So, the moral? None really. I just felt like I needed to put my thoughts out there. It's very crucial to walk in someone else's shoes before you judge them. I have learned this myself. What you see on the surface is not always how it actually "is".

Destruction, baby.

Being a mom, I don't ever really know what is considered "normal" behavior for a toddler. I have my own opinions but then I look at other kids and think, "Wow, mine is so....different." Not that that's a bad thing. I rather like that she is. But sometimes I wonder...She is a pretty intense little girl, lol.

Lately Berlyn has taken to tantrums and lots of whining, screaming and crying. It is awful. I can't even tell you how awful. You just want to have a pause button for them sometimes so you can go in the other room and breathe.
What's worse than the tantrums though is when they start to destroy your stuff. I am not that materialistic, really. But I do have certain things that I own that I am very sentimental about and get upset when they are obliterated. Naturally, who wouldn't be?

Case in point: Last year my Siamese cat got on top of my kitchen cabinets and knocked down several very unique and special items. One was a bowl from Japan - my grandparents gave it to me. And the other? A crystal wine glass with my name and the date of my friends (Stan and Stephanie)'s wedding. They had it made just for me, when I was 6. Oh, and Stan died when I was 12. It was irreplaceable. I cried for days, literally. I'm still pissed at my cat.

So anyways, back to Berlyn. In the last few weeks she has destroyed two of my prized possessions. And I am terrified of what she gets to next. God help me.

Here's the damage...so far:



Art Deco vase I've had forever.




Limited Edition print of Marilyn - (luckily the marks are only on the frame.) But still.

**UPDATE** 12.07.10

Here's another one. Sheesh! Do I need to buy a giant vault for my stuff or what?!

My soccer trophy. The little guy will never be the same.

The Joys of Parenting: The Unmentionables

{*Warning: This post is kinda long. But I use words like butt, boobs and...vagina. I apologize if anyone is offended but I'm just keeping it real.}

When you become a parent, the first thing that usually enters your mind is "I am not doing any of the things my parents did to me." Now, don't get me wrong. My parents were (and are) great; they instilled the right morals, values and habits in me. Do we always follow through? No. I definitely pushed the boundaries but at the end of it all, I think I turned out to be a pretty decent person.

Which brings me to now. 

I pride myself on being an open-minded, cool, laid-back, understanding and honest Mom. Most of the time. I have certain views on the world around me just as my parents had theirs. But, Berlyn is my daughter so she gets raised with my set of values, beliefs, etc. If she changes her mind? That's fine with me. Just as long as it doesn't involve knocking off a liquor store or something.

I was really not prepared for my 3 year old to begin talking about....the sex stuff. I wasn't sure exactly when the appropriate age was but I just had no idea it would come so soon.

It all started with her obsession with her bottom.

Last year, when she was 2, I spanked her because, well, she's got an attitude. She wasn't listening to me and I was really upset and at the end of my rope. As I spanked her, she turned around and screamed, "NO! That's MY butt!!!!!"

I collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Then, this year.
My family and I were on a mission to get her out of the habit of saying "butt." She finally got it and was referring to it as her bottom. The only problem? She was calling her front part her bottom too. Uh, now what?

Thoughts swirled through my head..."Do I tell her what "it" is?", "Is she too young?", "Oh my god, I cannot say "vagina" to her!!!!" 

I was freaked. out.

I asked several friends and family members what they thought I should do. The consensus was to tell her those were her "privates." Okay, I could do that.

But, a few days later I don't know what came over me. I felt like I was lying to her and I decided I would tell her the "correct" term.  

Now, let me flashback, oh about 22 years real quick. Only my best friends and close family know this story and I can't believe I'm writing this but, here goes. 

In elementary school, I already knew all about s-e-x. My best friend, who is a year older than me, was with me on the playground one day when, naturally, we began talking about vaginas.

In mid sentence, she stopped me and said, "Wait....what did you just say?"

I replied.. "Bagina."

"B"agina. Seriously, that's how I thought it was pronounced.

My best friend exploded into laughter. "No!!!! It's "Va"...like Va Va VOOM".

I'll never forget that day as long as I live, because we joke about it to this day and consider what would've happened if no one had ever corrected me. Can you IMAGINE?!

So, back to Berlyn.

After her bath one night, I told her what that area was called.

She yelled proudly, "That's my BAgina!"
 

I could not believe it. My daughter pronounced it exactly the way I had when I was 8. I stared at her in disbelief and quickly corrected her but let her know she didn't need to talk about it. After all, there is a time and place for all that.

That didn't work because for the next few days she ran around screaming, "This is my BAGINA!!!" while grabbing herself.

Yeah, I was proud. Apparently, so was she.

Which leaves me with the "boobs." Oh lord. These seem to be Berlyn's favorite subject. 

She grabs mine constantly and even while I am trying to tell her no and explain why it's not okay to grab others, she breaks into hysterical laughter and then, so do I.

This is hard stuff, this parenting thing. Especially when I still find all that funny.

This very morning, Berlyn looked at my bra, lying on the bed and said:

"Mama.....is this where your boobs live?"

Oh my god...did she really just say that?!

A few weeks ago, I was being a total slug, lying on my bed while watching my newest favorite guilty pleasure, "Charmed."

(yeah, I know...it's totally embarrassing...yada yada).

All of a sudden, one of the characters yelled "Step back, bitch!". (Uh, why this was on "Charmed", I have no idea.)

Berlyn stopped playing with her toys and looked up at the TV.

I completely froze. I looked at Berlyn and not a mili-second later, she yelled,

"STEP BACK, BITCH!!!!"

Immediately, I burst out laughing as tears came down my face. Then, I promptly stopped and yelled at her.

"No! You do NOT say that word!" I screamed.

I always knew I would struggle with two things being a mother.

One, I think when children use profanity it is HILARIOUS. 

And two, I have always been very open and "bohemian" in my views and parenting style so a lot of things that upset other mothers do not upset me. I don't want to raise a sheltered, scared, paranoid little girl.

But, I have to draw the line at "bitch". 

At least until she's 10, right?

Oy.

BedBUGS and Ballyhoo

First off, Happy November! 

I love this month, mainly because it's one month closer to Christmas annnnd, it's also my birthday month. Although this year, not really looking forward to my b-day. Oh well. We all get old and then we die.

But, at least our Halloween was a success. Berlyn went as a ladybug, sans the wings...and because of my artistry on her make-up looked like a puppy. She was still adorable and everyone thought she was "the cutest bug they'd ever seen." {I'm not being biased, that was a quote.}

The best part was the fact that my daughter A.) thought she should walk INTO everyone's home simply because they offered her candy and B.) that it's politically correct to ask everyone if they have "babies in there"...ummmm. Yeah. Lots of fun. Add to that, the total inevitable MELTDOWN at 9pm when she was high on sugar and realized her day of decadence had come to an end.

Regardless, I enjoyed all of it. And, we got some really cute pics....so, enjoy!