November.

November is a big bundle of feelings and emotions for me.

On the one hand you have: Thanksgiving, the beginnings of Fall, the anticipation of Christmas and, my birthday. All fabulous things, obviously.

On the other hand, it's a time of sadness  - there were two deaths (one 19 years ago, the other 14) that are still very poignant to me and make this month bittersweet for me, personally.

The death of a close friend who was a mainstay in my childhood, and, a musician who I'd loved for years; two people who I still think about a whole lot.

In remembrance of Stan Mason and Michael Hutchence ♥ Thinking of you both this November.

A Small Miracle

I am sure that many of you in my personal life, as well as Bloggerland, have heard me this past year sob, moan and complain about "losing my entire life" earlier this year.

Dramatic, much? No, never!

Anyways, quick re-cap: back in January my computer decided to commit suicide....not once, not twice; THREE freaking times.
Really? I have to mention this was also right in the midst of my COLLEGE courses.

My brother is a computer whiz but even he couldn't stop the viruses and the ultimate death of my photos, music, videos and documents . To say I was crushed is an understatement. I honestly think I went into shock and stayed there. It never fully hit me that I'd lost the first drafts of my book, my daughter's baby pics and VIDEOS (these were totally irreplaceable; they weren't backed up or on the net ANYWHERE!) and of course, the 12,000 + songs I had in my iTunes.

I just plugged along and thought, "Guess I am starting over. Again." *sigh*

So, yesterday (after a week of becoming unemployed, being sick, having my landlord harass me about the stupid lawn, and going without heat in our house) this all sounds way worse than it is, by the way, trust me; I went to my parents house for Sunday dinner.

My brother showed up and laid some news on me.

"So, you know how you lost all those files? Well, I think I found them." (my brother is always this blunt. I love it.)

I think I just sat there, like a lump for a minute or two. I don't remember much after that. My ears were ringing and my head was floating.

He plugged his external drive into my laptop and PRESTO! There were my videos, my awful poems, Berlyn's baby pictures and yes, all 12,000 songs I had lost.

Seriously, that is some major LUCK. Or, as my mom (and I) would agree - an answered prayer. Maybe God feels bad for all the shit I've gone through in the last little while? (Just kidding, JC!) Or maybe, it's just time things start to go my way.

Oh, and the first thing I looked at? Berlyn's videos.

Originally I was going to post a video of Berlyn from her 1st time to Disneyland when she was 1. But, I still have the same crappy PC (yes, unbelievable) and the video took FOREVER to load.

So, instead enjoy the utter cuteness of newborn Berlyn and me, and my brother - being TOTAL dorks with her. The best part? My proclamation on "how heavy she is." Um, yeah. Pretty sure she only weighed about 10 pounds.

Is there a lesson in all of this?

BACK UP YOUR SHIT. Seriously. I can't believe how stupid I was not owning an external drive of my own before this.

xoxo,

Bohemianism, Fighting Back & An Update.

Bohemianism:

Lately life has become sparkly, shiny and new again.

After trudging through the murkiness of depression, personal and legal battles, ungeniune friends, laziness and lackluster ambitions (on my part) not to mention the humdrum daily life "stuff"; I have started to come out the other side.

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus

The uneccessary excess has been cut and I only have time, room, energy and passion for the good kind of excess - "...being drunk on words, paintings, carvings, plays, love affairs, travel, meditation, olives, cypress trees, everydayness, movie images, sounds, naked flesh, all nighters." ~ excerpt from "Bohemian Manifesto"

Fighting Back:

With that being said, I hope people can realize that this is a new girl standing (errr, writing) before you.

I have a backbone. I have some fiery-ness. I am not the doormat, the punching bag, the sickeningly sweet or passive girl you once knew.

You've been warned.

Update:

And what about the past year? 2011 has been a bitch, plain and simple. But then again, so have the previous 2 years.

I've just been in a personal R-U-T. I start to recognize the pattern usually once it's too late. Every couple of years something absurd and awful happens to me......I lose myself. I start to fall victim to pleasing others. I begin to act like a simpering, brain dead, mainstream little ninny and let anyone and everyone treat me like garbage. It doesn't matter if its a boyfriend, a girlfriend or a family member.

I roll over and play dead.

But, then something else begins to happen and I get re-charged, fired up and I always come out swinging.

So, what's been going on?

* I am still single. Yeah, imagine that. And, happy. I may not have a man and I may not be a supermodel but I am pretty bad ass.

* My daughter is super-fricking-awesome. No contest. She just is. I can't wait to see her take on the world.

* I have finally realized that life is more than a) being popular, b) being rich or c) being "normal." Actually, I feel sorry for anyone who are those things. Well, not the being rich one. I'd take that ANYDAY.

* School, travel, a new home, writing, psychology, true love and a few other things are still VERY much a part of my present and future. Lucky me =)

Until next time....be a forger, a maverick, a renaissance (wo)man and make some new trails. Be true to YOU and blaze over anyone or thing that stands in your way!!!

"And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds, are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're goin' through." - David Bowie

Making friends...with enemies.

I can’t believe I am blogging about this, but, this is the kind of stupid crap that is part of my day to day life – so, enjoy?

Suffice it to say – if you’ve spent any prolonged amount of time with me, the subject of birds has come up. More accurately, my absolute fear, loathing, disgust and horror of birds.

I can’t even pinpoint the exact moment when birds began to bring about such terror in me but it could have been the time I was 2, sitting in Washington DC with my parents, and got swarmed by pigeons. Or it could have been all the seagulls that terrorized us kids on the playground/lunch area of our California elementary school – making us run, duck, hide, and scream to get away from the attacks for our tater tots or dive-bombing us to poop on us. I saw it happen more than once and it wasn't pretty.

But it could have easily been seeing the movie “The Birds” too. Seriously, how could anyone like birds after seeing that?!

Whatever it was, I just don’t like them. If they ever get too close to me, I freak OUT. I sometimes cry, usually just whimper. And always get as far away from them as possible. 

Once, my ex and I sat on the patio of Red Robin one summer evening and he lured a GIANT goose over with a french fry and was trying to get it as close as he could to me. I nearly committed a murder, I was that upset.

So, it surprised me when – just last night – I realized a pigeon (of all things) had made a little “home” not 4 feet from my back door. In the trellis of my soon to be grapes, I might add.

Something inside me said “Let it stay. Maybe you can conquer this fear, once and for all.”

Hmmm. Stranger things have happened.

So far, the past few mornings that I forget it is there, I walk to my car and it flaps away furiously scaring the living shit outta me. But, I know it’s probably just as scared of me as I am of it. Riiiiight.

Here “she” (he, it? I have no idea, nor do I care..) is: (I just call it "Pidgie" for now....)

UPDATE!!!!!: True to my "airheaded-ness", I realized soon after this post that this was actually a DOVE, not a pigeon. Yeah, I am so smart.

Moving...along nicely.

Every time I start over, I hope it's going to all work out.

Does it? Rarely. But, I keep on trying. I think of myself as being that girl who continually puts her hand on a stove to see if it's hot and keeps trusting and hoping but keeps getting hurt.

Regardless, I don't care. I'll be that way until I die and I would never change that about myself.

So, with great excitement I am announcing wonderful new changes in mine and Berlyn's lives. It's not gigantic or earth-shattering by any means, but well, it's good. And I am excited so...*sticks tongue out*

We are moving into a new house. Granted, it's a rental and it's not in the town I had hoped to live one day but, for now, it works and it will be perfect.

Oh, and the house was built in 1915. Um, so cool! It's so vintage and tailor-made for me because of my love of vintage. The possibilities are endless in this new abode and I can't wait to decorate, paint, buy retro pieces and more. I definitely could be an interior decorator if the Psychology thing didn't pan out.

*I have to mention, I asked the landlord if the house was haunted. He was dead silent for a long time and just stared at me. I still don't know if his silence meant "yes, it is haunted" or "this girl is a whack job." 

Speaking of, school has been horrific. Out of my 5 classes, I am pretty sure I am failing 2 and 1 hangs in the balance but, I knew I was taking on too much and it has now been proven. I guess I can't do everything. Next semester, I am taking some cake classes - and only 2 - so I should be able to recharge and go nuts in the Fall.

And, such is my life, things constantly surprise me when I least expect them too. The job I have had for only 2 months has proven to be a godsend. Not only do I love LOVE my co-workers, I am already on the fast track to a promotion, a raise and who knows what else! The money is nothing to laugh at either.

Finally. I am getting some kind of recognition for my skills and all my hard work. It is so exhilarating!

I can't wait to start posting about my new home and all the neat stuff still to come in 2011. No matter what hurdles I have to jump, I always know things have a funny way of working out.

PS: In even better news, my ex and I are on the road to working out some things. It's been an entire year and a half since we've had ANY contact whatsoever but we both feel it is time to move on and see what the future holds. I can't tell you all how happy this makes me. I can finally put (some of) my past to rest.

Looking Forward

This year has been very odd to me already.

I had all sorts of plans and felt I could take on everything. And by everything, I mean - job, school, motherhood and many personal goals that have been on the back burner for far too long.

But I am only one person. And sometimes too much is well, too much. I learned this the hard way (like I do everything else.)

Thankfully, I have an amazing support system and the opportunity to still change some things up. It's only March so I seriously need to stop being so hard on myself, lol.

Every one of us needs to stop feeling pressure to please others all the time or having too high of expectations. We are all guilty of that. It's not that we aren't capable of certain things - we just need to know our limits as human beings. Balance is super important and gets lost in the shuffle more often than not.

Forgoing sleep, time for ourselves or being social seems doable but in reality - it isn't.

I hope everyone can re-focus if they are feeling overwhelmed by life. Make a list - a realistic one - and recognize where you need to improve but also, where you need to let go or relax. I know doing this has really opened my eyes and now, I can move forward towards my (many) goals in a calm and feasible manner.

Much love to you all! ♥

Coming Clean

For the past year and a half, I have had a secret. A horrible, humiliating, embarrassing secret.

And now that it is public knowledge, I felt I should address it head on and hopefully clear up some of the confusion.

Yes folks, I am a criminal. Or, that is what the State of Idaho wants you to think anyways...

Are you surprised?

In August of 2009, after a heated argument between my ex and I - I did the stupidest thing I have ever done (and there have been a lot of those): I slapped him. Once. And, my life ever since then has been a mess.

I now get the privilege (burden) of being known as a "domestic abuser" for the rest of my life. And, if you really know me, this is not the person I really am.I have never hit anyone and I am not violent. If anything I am too nice and even though I have a temper, I would never intentionally hurt ANYONE.

I have, in spite of it all, attempted to make the best of it. I weeded out all the negative thoughts, people and behaviors in my life. I gained perspective, I felt remorse, I grew as a person and I got really motivated to improve my life. (It was actually the catalyst for me going back to school and being as successful as I am right now.)

But it took me a while to get here...and it was excruciatingly painful.

Through the whole ordeal, I managed to come out the other side, grateful, feeling blessed and having a stronger personality, more specific goals, better people surrounding me and a greater sense of self than I ever have.

The one thing I regret, and always will, is that I hurt my ex.  And I was wrong. With the ramifications of my poor decision, I have had no contact with him for one and half years. And the only person that has really hurt has been our precious daughter. If I could rewind time, I would.

This past week, bad news and drama seemed to want to pay me a visit once again. And, this time, I didn't bring it on myself. Not entirely anyways.

I found out my ex had an illness. And I cried.The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sad, powerless and scared. Knowing I couldn't speak to him or reach out to him killed me.

Then, a day later, all that I had written the past several years (my unborn book), all of my photos and even more was wiped from my computer when I got a vicious virus over the weekend. I lost everything.

I all of a sudden had this sneaking thought in the back of my head then - "bad things happen in threes" - and I tried my best to ignore it. I went to work, I went to class, I wrote papers, I dealt with Berlyn's temper tantrums and then - BAM - I woke up one morning to find, I had a warrant out for my arrest.

Why, you ask?

To put it simply, I missed a few classes and a few UA's (drug tests) a while back because I was unemployed for FOUR MONTHS. I was broke. Do you think Idaho cares about that? No. Do you think it matters to them that I have been working my ass off with school, work, motherhood and mandatory probation classes twice a week to "be a productive individual" and actually go somewhere in life? No. Does it matter that this incident happened one and half YEARS ago? Nope.

Why am I explaining all of this to you? Well, I have a track record of being misunderstood. I am a simple, if not boring, girl. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I make mistakes, I love people immensely and I trust too much. And my brain is not always connected. I end up feeling I have to defend myself...constantly. Too many like to judge and they like to assume. And you know what they say about people who assume.... you make an "ass" out of u + me"....something like that. Anyways, I always feel that people, besides my family or closest friends, don't know the real me and don't get how I operate. I am here to tell you, unless you know that I a) never mean anyone harm, b) don't always think things through and c) I think outside the box....then, you don't know me.

So, back to my recent run-in with "the law" - I went ahead and took responsibility. I faced the music. With the help of my ever supportive, loving and accepting parents, I dealt with it. As quickly, efficiently and as maturely as I could.

And now I hope to move the eff on.....again.

A part of me is very angry. I try to put things into perspective. I get that, if you break the law, you have to pay the consequence. And I have. I pay over $200 a month of my money to pay for my mistake. I also pay a lot of my time and energy. I end up feeling drained, ashamed and having to be constantly, daily, reminded of my mistake. There is something so wrong about making someone have to pay for their mistakes....again. And again. And again. It is ridiculous. Especially when they (I) have made major strides to fix and improve one's life. It seems to me that the legal system and law enforcement enjoy having people on probation.
They get a ton of money and they make it impossible for you to escape.

In the process, I have met so many (amazing) women who were abused, manipulated or in unhealthy relationships paying the price for defending themselves. Yes, hitting people is wrong, wrong, wrong. I totally get that. But sometimes, we can't help who we fall for. And if you are like me, you tend to want to see the best in people and ignore the bad. That will get you nowhere. If this has taught me anything, it's that I am not prepared to be in any sort of relationship. Maybe never. I need to fix whatever it is that made me react the way I did and never allow that to happen again. But knowing I am not alone and that not just trashy, bad people do things like slap their partner makes me feel that there is hope and there is a reason for why bad things happen to good people.


The moral of this post?

Even when you are growing, improving and walking the straight line, the past doesn't sleep. It will try to ruin you if you let it.

And I am here to say: I refuse.

Learning to Deal with "Others"

I have never ever been very good at keeping my thoughts to myself. Somehow or another, stuff just always slips out. Usually in a moment of boiling hot rage but sometimes when I am so shocked or taken aback that I can't refrain myself from spewing forth with a snarky retort.

Yesterday, I was pretty proud (and surprised) of myself.

As most everyone knows, I am a full time college kid these days. And when I say "kid" I actually mean I am 31.

I was sitting in my very first Social Work class. Our teacher came in and was just getting started. There were only about 5 of us in the class, when 20 minutes later in walks one of "those girls." You know - not pretty but thinks she is. Basically, she's skinny and has money judging by her bag and coat so automatically, people thinks she's attractive. But she is a total "butterface." She walked with her nose in the air, I swear to you.

*Note: Normally I am not a catty person. I rarely put people down based on their appearance. But when your inner self is ugly as hell, you'd better believe I am gonna point out how ugly you are on the outside. Call me a bitch - I don't care. I just call em like I see em.

She sat down and our teacher continued talking.

Long story short, we were discussing the rich vs. the poor in our country and how the social system treats you differently depending on which one you are. The subject of welfare programs and assistance came up. Having been on a few of them while I was pregnant and a new mom, I have the personal experience regarding these. But I got myself off of them as soon as I could. Thank god those systems were in place or else I would have been in serious trouble. I also know I am not a deadbeat. Or lazy. I work my ass off and I refuse to take advantage of the system or expect people to just give me things. That's why I am no longer using those programs.

This girl pipes up and goes off about how much better the poor have it. (???!!!)

She says they have it "good and live a better life than the rich because they don't have to pay for anything." She went on about how "the poor" get free housing, free food, free daycare, free medical, etc. Uh, yes sometimes. If you qualify. And even then, you don't get all of that. Your life is NOT better than someone with a lot of money. Dumbass.

She said a bunch of other stuff too about how "because she is a business owner, the poor are a strain on her livelihood and thus make her life more difficult so in comparison the poor have a better life." By that point, my ears were ringing and my blood was boiling.

When it comes to anything related to the social system, the opressed and any injustice in our society, I get PASSIONATE. I have a zillion opinions on it all and nothing gets me more emotional and more heated. So, obviously, this class is going to be all sorts of fun.

You could hear a pin drop in that class. The 2 girls seated next to me exchanged shocked looks with one another and I. A few minutes later, one of my girls went OFF on Ms. Snooty Pants and of course, Ms. Snooty Pants totally back-pedaled. To add a nail in the coffin - she is in a Social Work class - meaning, we all more or less want to be social workers. Would you want this girl trying to help you??? She wasn't even "sure if she wanted to be a social worker or not." My vote? Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.

For me, I was astonished that I didn't spin around and give her a tongue-lashing too. But - I didn't. I was a good girl. I sat there calmly, sipping my Mountain Dew and getting a kick out of the reactions of everyone else.

I can tell this class is going to be very interesting =)

You know you are a grown-up when....

Lately I am finding myself being more adult than usual. Sure, I still laugh at stupid, morbid crap, and I love to drool over hot guys just like the next girl. Annnnd, I may still indulge in a tantrum or two but overall, my immature and selfish days are over.

Here is a short list of how I know I have grown-up...

1. You own items of clothing that require dry-cleaning.

2. You'd rather stay "in" on a Friday/Saturday night, watch Nickelodeon or TLC instead of party.

3. You have thought about (or started) a "Five Year Plan." (Guilty)

4. You dream about purchasing furniture / appliances / electronics / decor rather than clothes. Or booze.

5. You choose friends based on the fact that they are: intelligent, nice, supportive, have lots in common with you and are actually going somewhere with their lives.

6. You've made a checklist of your ideal mate. And, turned down dates because the guy didn't meet the criteria.

7. You start to realize that people that are mean to you, talk badly about you or act like you mean nothing are really just jealous of you. Haters, keep on hatin'. =)

8. You realize there's more to life than gossip, sex or acting like a spoiled brat.

9. You start making travel plans to places like Paris, Italy and Japan. (YAY!)

10. You finally call all those creditors you have owed money to for years. And plan on paying them. For real.

Every End is a New Beginning

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul”

~G. K. Chesterton~

This is a good time to reflect on 2010, what’s happened and what I hope for 2011.

The word for 2010 for me was Change. Everything changed. My friendships, my family dynamic, my expectations, my beliefs. I started to think more about the big picture and how I could contribute to others, and not just what I could get for myself. Becoming a mother was definitely a step in the direction of being a more self-less being.

I have found myself within new surroundings, new ideas, new goals, making new friends and trying to simplify my life – in all areas. All of this has enriched my life greatly, and nourished my soul. I am deeply grateful for all the people I have met or grown closer to in 2010. They have played a huge part in influencing my evolution. I even learned how important it was to have self-control and to bite my tongue, at times. Two things I have always struggled with.

Some of the changes in my life this year have been grueling, painful, tedious. Others have been exciting and refreshing and give me hope that there is so much more for me out there in the world. In 2010, I have gained more clarity on who I am. I have given a lot of thought to the priorities in my life: what I want to stand for, what I won’t compromise on, who I want to spend time around, what I want my influences to be and what I will not allow myself to be exposed to. The biggest change has been in my attitude. I no longer carry grudges, resentments, chips on my shoulder – everyone makes mistakes, including me, and who am I to judge?

The moments I felt most like myself and most inspired in 2010 occurred internally. Usually brought on by spending time with my daughter, or close friends or even attending self-help classes. Going through school opened my eyes to the possibility that I could really, truly be whomever I wanted to be.

When focusing on my good traits – I could say that I have a heart as big as the ocean. I love people. I let people in, I let them be who they are and often times, I still love them regardless of the pain they have caused me. I know now this needs to change – especially to protect myself – but also, realizing others have a profound influence on your own well-being. Constant negativity or conflict leads to nothing good. But, I love that I have a kind soul and I am always batting for the underdog and the outcast. It’s no secret that it will make me a better social worker one day and I am grateful for that quality.

What do I do that makes people happy? Well, I am silly and often a little off the wall. I could even say I suffer from being an airhead every once in a while and a lot of people find this entertaining…or maybe they feel sorry for me. Either way, I am always comfortable laughing at myself. People always compliment me on my sweet nature. I rarely will be rude, mean or malicious to anyone. If I am – it means you’ve pushed me to my breaking point.

The wisest choices I made this year were about getting rid of the unnecessary. Getting rid of friendships that weren’t working, getting rid of stuff, and getting rid of the fear and attachment that went with each of those. I also reevaluated my own behavior and for the first time saw the mistakes I have made, over and over. The first step in correcting something is admitting it. So, I am on my way.

The lesson that has been the most valuable to me this year is that negativity is contagious. And, so is positivity. All I want to focus on in the future is putting out the good vibes and then, getting them back. The other lesson? There are some mean, judgemental, ignorant people in the world. Several times this year I got very very angry and upset about how people acted or responded to things. But in the end, no one can change someone else – they have to want to change. And it’s just not worth it sometimes to go head to head. Let them make their own bed.

What did I avoid this year? I avoided as much drama as I could. I kept mum about many things, I had my guard up around many people and I didn’t dare venture into the dating world at all. I am just not ready. I have some major trust issues because of the events of the last few years – key people in my life betraying me out of the blue. It is all I can do to not put my heart out there and hope it doesn’t get sent back shattered.

My advice to myself for 2011 is: to not look back, to dream as big as possible, to slow down and love each moment, to relish the simplicity of life, to take time out to achieve clarity and to consult the heart and soul when making decisions.

People I would like to thank:

*My parents. I never thought I’d be living with them at my age but they have looked out for me constantly. They always have my best interest at heart and I am thankful to have such dedicated parents.

*My brother and sister-in-law. I spent much of this past year in their company and found that I could laugh, enjoy myself , talk seriously, share my innermost feelings and never be judged. They also assisted me in times of need when I needed a place to escape and unwind.

*My best friend, Stephanie because she is always right there. Always. And she really hears me.

*Dawn because she continually gives me wonderful, encouraging advice and a laugh, when I need it.

*Some of my newer friends for showing me that new beginnings are possible and sometimes better than what you had before.

*My ex because he opened my eyes to how badly I was behaving and treating him in the past. I hope to one day rebuild that bridge and be a great co-parenting team with him.

*All of my longtime friends who are still a part of my life and show never-ending support and love. I love you guys!

*Last but not least, my professors at school who pushed me and criticised me and rewarded me for a job well done.

*And, of course, Berlyn. She is everything. She teaches me something new every day and the love I have for her is beyond anything I can describe. “Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us.”

What social event rocked your socks off in 2010? Oh – that is easy. Attending the Chris Isaak concert in August with my dear friend, Satya. Not only was it an amazing concert full of sexy music (and frontman) but at the end, Mr. Isaak invited me and my 2 friends on stage, to dance. What an exhilarating and spontaneous moment. I’ll never forget it.

What is my word for 2011? It’s Motivation.

In 2011, let me above all else, work hard, be focused, have my priorities straight and my heart wide open and one day, I am going to be exactly where I want to be.

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011?

1. Drama
2. Dating
3. Bills
4. Temper tantrums
5. Car trouble
6. Arguments and fights
7. Miscommunications
8. Bad grades
9. Bad hair days
10. Illnesses
11. Another baby {hahahaha}

And, hands down – the best moment of the year was the day Berlyn was finally, 100% potty-trained.

Go Red!

December 1st is World Aids Day. Today I remember someone I loved and had to lose.

I did a post last year about my personal experience on the disease and how it affected my own life. I won't rehash all that again but just wanted to remind everyone to think of those who we have lost and will lose because of this horrible and devastating disease. If you want to read it, here's the link: Close to my heart. Rest in peace, Stan. I love you.

On another note, they are hoping to have a cure by 2015 so that no children are born with AIDS. I think it is something we can accomplish. I hope so anyways.

Transition(ing)

When I started my blog in October 2008, it began as a sort of "journal" if you will. I am equal parts "fluffy/light-hearted and deep/introspective" like my tag line says. Originally I felt like I didn't need to hold back on personal feelings and opinions but then, drama ensued. I felt that a lot of the wrong people were viewing what I wrote and misunderstanding, twisting or even judging everything I blogged about. So, I stopped. I let my love of vintage and the 40's and 50's take over because I have always found peace there. It was something easy to focus on and made me happy. But lately, I feel the need to be introspective again. It is who I am, at my core. I fight against it and yet I can't. I am a person who thinks (and analyzes) about everything. EVERYTHING. And now that I am in my 30's and have endured a lot of the hard knocks of life, I feel like I have every right to express whatever I want to. If you don't like what I write, then simply don't look. That's pretty much my view on most anything.

With that being said, I want to be able to explore and grow and evolve, as I (Sarah) should. This means I can no longer hold back what I am passionate about or feel I must say. Of course, I understand what it means to be tactful and I am working very diligently at it. But again, we are who we are. And I wouldn't expect anyone else to compromise themselves either. We have that right, each and every one of us, to practice freedom of speech and expression.

Blogging should be a freeing, liberating, emotional and personal experience. We all hope that someone, somewhere gets what we are saying and makes us feel that we are not alone. That's my purpose here and I intend to follow through.

I admit, the last few (well, 20) years of my life have been chaotic, at best. I don't want this anymore. I am fighting against it, tooth and nail. No one's life should be constant turmoil, pain and depression. Not even my worst enemy (but, I don't have any.) Basically, happiness is a right we should all have and so is inner peace.

Maybe we can all practice in being more open-minded, understanding, friendly, and human. That's my biggest wish.

I have a Confession.

Some of you know me, some of you don't.

But, if you don't...I'd like to confess a few things.

I am an emotional roller-coaster.

I am often times ruled by those said emotions.

If I am angry it actually means I am sad.

I am too sensitive for my own good. And, sometimes it is good.

I care about people I've never even met.

I still love people that have hurt me.

I am the most loyal person I know.

I'm not here on this Earth to win any popularity contests, make friends, be taken advantage of, used or let people abuse me. I am here to be me and to do the best I can.

I have been accused of being a "drama queen". I don't see why this is necessarily a bad thing.

I make people laugh and I make people feel loved and safe.

I fight demons every. single. day. Non-literal ones, of course.

I make mistakes. Big ones. 

I try to learn from my mistakes. I'm not always successful.

I don't apologize for being me. 

But, I do regret any hurt feelings I've caused.

I'm on this journey called life, just like everyone else.

Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It.

Okay, I am about to get real serious here for a minute.

I've been thinking a lot about the recent "epidemic" of teens killing themselves. The bullying, the prejudice against gays. It turns my stomach.

But, I think it's important to remember something else about all this. Suicide is often a product of having depression or mental illness. Not always, but most of the time. Yet, it's hardly ever mentioned. I think that's a mistake.

I, at one time, viewed suicide as despicable, disgusting and it completely flabbergasted me. "Why on Earth would you EVER want to do that?!" was my recurring thought. I viewed it as being a selfish act and it held no logic for me. After all, tomorrow is another day, right?
I had a family member who was "suicidal" for several years and I watched him spiral. And, I couldn't say or do anything to help him. I also had a cousin that did commit suicide, and I was always completely dumbfounded on what made them feel those feelings. I couldn't relate.

Until....my mid-late 20s.

All of a sudden, I got it. I understood how a person could have those thoughts and even, follow through. And it scared the bejezus outta me. I am a lifelong "chronic depressive." I, like many many many others out there suffer from this debilitating condition and have absolutely no control over it. The only things I can do are think positive, take one thing (or day) at a time and medicate myself (if you believe in it.) I do. The most important thing to remember is that depression is an illness. It can't be "snapped out of" or "fixed" overnight. And frankly, I am sick and tired of all the prejudice that people have. You need to e-d-u-c-a-t-e yourself before you judge.

I can't tell you how heart-breaking it is to watch all these events going on lately. These kids have a problem no one can even imagine or comprehend, unless you yourself have been there. It is not a fun place to be. I speak from experience. While most of your friends, family or even, acquaintances will say "Oh, things will better" "Don't worry"...."Everything will be OK"...these things are not recognizable to someone in the depths of a depression.

My biggest motivator for entering the psychology/social work field stems from my empathy and drive to help these people, first and foremost. I think that the "mental" community gets overlooked so often and it's completely unfair and wrong.

If you care about someone, if you have a human bone in your body and your heart is not made of ice, please please, I beg of you...be understanding. Be a friend. Be there, if you can.

I Must be Crazy

As I countdown the final 6 weeks of this semester, I ponder:

"Why exactly am I putting myself through all this?! I must be crazy!"

I am taking 12 credits. Two classes I like, two I don't. But, I have to take them in order to move forward. And, get that damn degree.

Sociology is a breeze and something I love. It's also my only A right now.
English has long been my favorite subject and I usually excel at it but, for some reason, I keep getting these crazy, hard ass English teachers that I want to punch in the head. Which results in me questioning my strength and gifts I have long been reminded of. I really dislike teachers sometimes.

Math and Politics...are like trying to decipher Siberian. Wait, is that a language? Anyways, it's hard. Not my strong points or anything that remotely interests me. As far as I'm concerned, they can both go to hell.

(PS. Adding to the frustration? I register for my NEXT set of classes next week. And, you guessed it, more Math, Science and English. :( Kill me now.)

It's hard for me not to get discouraged. A few things are against me:

I am 30. And most of my peers have degrees or fabulous/fulfilling careers.

I am poor. Thankfully, financial aid exists and it's been a godsend.

I am a single mom. Which,translates to....homework is next to IMPOSSIBLE to do with a 3 year old demanding your attention 24/7.

I am still trying to juggle finding a job whilst handling all my other responsibilities.

Add to that, I suffer from depression. This makes my daily life that much harder.

And, studying is not something that comes easy to me. I was a high school drop-out after all. I have no recollection of how to be a student.

Last year was the hardest year of my life. But, it caused me to do a few things:

**prioritize, grow up and think about the future**

It spurred me on to re-evaluate everything.

Were the people I was surrounded by really good for me? No.
Was I living up to my true potential? No.
Was I doing anything with my life? No.
Did I have the tools to succeed as a mother, friend, girlfriend, daughter, student, professional? No.
Was I headed for disaster? Yes.

This led to cutting out all the excess, the baggage, the bad habits, the demons and the hang-ups.

I have about 3 more years of schooling before I feel like I will be satisfied. It's going to be difficult. But, if there is one thing I've learned about myself?

I totally got this.

Freedom! Kind of...

"Keep it simple, stupid."

{No, I'm not talking to you....I'm talking to myself.}

Lately, this saying has been going through my head. I never realized just how tied down by social networking I was until these last few days. I have this "to do list" I've mentioned, meant to simplify my life and empower me yet I can't break myself away from checking my Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc etc etc. I know, I know...I have this blog but this blog was meant to update my family and friends on mine and Berlyn's lives.

So, I deleted those other sites. This isn't the first time I've done this. But, something is different this time.

Main reasons?

*I miss having some privacy. And power over who sees what I write/post.

*I am sick to death of getting my feelings hurt because I'm sensitive and I have to see or read something that upsets me on FB.

*And, I am tired of being invisible. You know how it goes...you log on and your friends are talking to everyone BUT you? Oh, I'm sorry. Am I boring to you? Didn't realize I had cooties.

Or, you have the privilege of seeing the photos from the party YOU were not invited to? Yeah, that stings.

*Not to mention, having people block you. Yes, I am serious. I've done it myself and it hurts a lot when it's done to you. And, quite frankly, it's really juvenile and way too junior high. I regret doing it to others so I can't complain that it was done to me. But, seriously, enough with the games.

*And honestly, I feel like sometimes we share too much on the internet now. What happened to mystery? I'm sure I am coming off as a total hypocrite because, after all, I have this blog but I started this blog for myself. I like to write, I like to rant and I like having a record of my life.

In conclusion, I'm a grown woman, I am busy (hello, 3 year old!) and I have better things to do with my time than get wrapped up in this social "nonsense". Especially when it's hurtful and makes me feel bad about myself.

If I am going to be online, I rather surround myself with people that actually give a damn...or at least, make an attempt to communicate with me. Otherwise, it seems kinda pointless.

Have a great day everyone...and get out there and LIVE a little (off the computer)! ♥

One Year Later

So, it's been one year.
One year since I lost a lot of people in my life who, at one time, were my world.
I still have mixed feelings. I miss them but I am still hurt. I still wish things were different and I struggle with understanding WHY things turned out the way they did.
But, this past year has been a soul-searching one for me, and inspired much reflection.
People come into your life for a reason. For a lesson, for support, for guidance, for love. And, then, sometimes they go. You can't regret this, it's just a part of life.
To all those who are now gone from my life, I wish you well and hold your memory dear.

♥

10 Little Reminders

1. “Creativity is maximized when you are living in the moment.”

2. “Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself. What we do to the earth we do to ourselves.”


3. “The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness.”


4. “The conscious brain can only hold 1 thought at a time. Choose a positive thought.”

5. “Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks.”


6. “That which matters most should never give way to that which matters the least.”


7. “Dance, sing, floss & travel.”


8. “Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.” 


9. “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept no one’s definition of your life. Define yourself.”


10. “When in doubt, laugh.”

It Can't Rain All the Time...

This was a very difficult post for me to write. To be objective and clear-headed whilst my emotions run rampant.

Emotions are so powerful, but, they are also only as powerful as we allow them to be.

This past year, I have lost so many things. My apartment, my job, my money, my friends, my trust in certain people, my drive and ambition, my zest for life, my hope. But, now I am standing here, in the aftermath, and I feel...better. I feel a renewed sense of self and inner strength. And, it's not by accident I feel these things. I had to make some changes; within myself.

I'm at a pivotal point now where I am teaching myself to calm down, think things through, keep my mouth shut (easier said than done at times!), keep my negativity to a minimum, be rational and be logical. It is a hard process; definitely not one you learn overnight. I struggle with it daily, as I am sure many others do too.

I was most certainly not born with an optimistic or positive nature. The attitude I have these days of calm, peace and serenity are something I've had to work very hard to have. Even harder is when life continually seems to throw obstacles, harsh words and razor blades in my path. In spite of this, I try to have a cheery disposition and put a smile on my face.

These are a few beliefs I now follow, whole-heartedly.

Karma is something I have believed in for a long time. The principle of "what goes around, comes around" not only seems fair and just...but, comforting. You want to believe that when bad things happen to good people, somehow it has to balance out.

Personal Accountability is a must. You have to be honest with yourself and not continue to blame others for your problems. I've made my share of bad decisions. I've trusted the wrong people. I've done stupid, stupid things. But, I know who I am on the inside and I know I am a good being. I am learning; that's what humans do. They evolve. And, they make mistakes.

Forgiveness is the key. Forgive those who have wronged you. Stop trying to figure out "why" and just let things "be." Believe in why it happened. Believe that it had to happen. Believe that things do happen for a reason. And, then, move on.

Greet the new day, every day, with a good attitude, an open heart and a fresh pair of eyes.

I hope everyone is enjoying their day!
Much love,
Sarah

Real Inspiration begins with You!

This is a great article I found about "how to inspire others"...it's got some good points!

1. Do things people wouldn't normally do: and do it silently and with ease. Don't complain, act like it's not a big deal. These kinds of people are admirable because they show compassion and selflessness, something that is becoming rarer and rarer in this selfish age. Show this kind of behaviour and people will see a soft and kind side that they will become drawn to.

2. Listen and act: You must be willing to actually help others and take action for them, not just for yourself. If people seem like they are in need of help or guidance in anything, go for it. People love others who are willing to help them, and who don't hold back in showing kindness.

3. Be accepting: Never discriminate against anybody. Don't be racist, don't be sexist. This doesn't mean you have to be passive, speak your mind and do it honestly. But also be ready to accept the lifestyles, choices and decisions of others even if you find it to be silly or ill-advised.

4. Take the blame: This is extremely hard but it earns you millions of inspiration 'brownie' points. If you want people to find you inspiring, revert the bad that others have done onto you and blame it on yourself. Blame yourself for more bad that comes onto you. This in my opinion is the most admirable feat that anyone can do. It also tends to soften the hearts of those who you don't like, and you automatically step up higher onto the platform of admirable feats.

5. Take stupid risks: And never regret it. Bravery is something that many people wish they had more of. If you can demonstrate this, then people will feel your sense of courage and self belief. Because almost all human beings want these qualities, they will be drawn to you because they believe that you will be able to exert these traits onto them. Oh the marvels of silent learning.

6. Sacrifice: Be ready to sacrifice things for others. Give up the top bunk at camp for somebody else, give your best sweater to your sister to keep not borrow. When people give up things that they love for others, the recipient immediately feels a sense of trust and admiration for the giver. They also in turn see their selfish side and will want to look for you for guidance and advice.