Friday, December 31, 2010

Every End is a New Beginning

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul”
~G. K. Chesterton~

This is a good time to reflect on 2010, what’s happened and what I hope for 2011.

The word for 2010 for me was Change. Everything changed. My friendships, my family dynamic, my expectations, my beliefs. I started to think more about the big picture and how I could contribute to others, and not just what I could get for myself. Becoming a mother was definitely a step in the direction of being a more self-less being.

I have found myself within new surroundings, new ideas, new goals, making new friends and trying to simplify my life – in all areas. All of this has enriched my life greatly, and nourished my soul. I am deeply grateful for all the people I have met or grown closer to in 2010. They have played a huge part in influencing my evolution. I even learned how important it was to have self-control and to bite my tongue, at times. Two things I have always struggled with.

Some of the changes in my life this year have been grueling, painful, tedious. Others have been exciting and refreshing and give me hope that there is so much more for me out there in the world. In 2010, I have gained more clarity on who I am. I have given a lot of thought to the priorities in my life: what I want to stand for, what I won’t compromise on, who I want to spend time around, what I want my influences to be and what I will not allow myself to be exposed to. The biggest change has been in my attitude. I no longer carry grudges, resentments, chips on my shoulder – everyone makes mistakes, including me, and who am I to judge?

The moments I felt most like myself and most inspired in 2010 occurred internally. Usually brought on by spending time with my daughter, or close friends or even attending self-help classes. Going through school opened my eyes to the possibility that I could really, truly be whomever I wanted to be.

When focusing on my good traits – I could say that I have a heart as big as the ocean. I love people. I let people in, I let them be who they are and often times, I still love them regardless of the pain they have caused me. I know now this needs to change – especially to protect myself – but also, realizing others have a profound influence on your own well-being. Constant negativity or conflict leads to nothing good. But, I love that I have a kind soul and I am always batting for the underdog and the outcast. It’s no secret that it will make me a better social worker one day and I am grateful for that quality.

What do I do that makes people happy? Well, I am silly and often a little off the wall. I could even say I suffer from being an airhead every once in a while and a lot of people find this entertaining…or maybe they feel sorry for me. Either way, I am always comfortable laughing at myself. People always compliment me on my sweet nature. I rarely will be rude, mean or malicious to anyone. If I am – it means you’ve pushed me to my breaking point.

The wisest choices I made this year were about getting rid of the unnecessary. Getting rid of friendships that weren’t working, getting rid of stuff, and getting rid of the fear and attachment that went with each of those. I also reevaluated my own behavior and for the first time saw the mistakes I have made, over and over. The first step in correcting something is admitting it. So, I am on my way.

The lesson that has been the most valuable to me this year is that negativity is contagious. And, so is positivity. All I want to focus on in the future is putting out the good vibes and then, getting them back. The other lesson? There are some mean, judgemental, ignorant people in the world. Several times this year I got very very angry and upset about how people acted or responded to things. But in the end, no one can change someone else – they have to want to change. And it’s just not worth it sometimes to go head to head. Let them make their own bed.

What did I avoid this year? I avoided as much drama as I could. I kept mum about many things, I had my guard up around many people and I didn’t dare venture into the dating world at all. I am just not ready. I have some major trust issues because of the events of the last few years – key people in my life betraying me out of the blue. It is all I can do to not put my heart out there and hope it doesn’t get sent back shattered.

My advice to myself for 2011 is: to not look back, to dream as big as possible, to slow down and love each moment, to relish the simplicity of life, to take time out to achieve clarity and to consult the heart and soul when making decisions.

People I would like to thank:

*My parents. I never thought I’d be living with them at my age but they have looked out for me constantly. They always have my best interest at heart and I am thankful to have such dedicated parents.

*My brother and sister-in-law. I spent much of this past year in their company and found that I could laugh, enjoy myself , talk seriously, share my innermost feelings and never be judged. They also assisted me in times of need when I needed a place to escape and unwind.

*My best friend, Stephanie because she is always right there. Always. And she really hears me.

*Dawn because she continually gives me wonderful, encouraging advice and a laugh, when I need it.

*Some of my newer friends for showing me that new beginnings are possible and sometimes better than what you had before.

*My ex because he opened my eyes to how badly I was behaving and treating him in the past. I hope to one day rebuild that bridge and be a great co-parenting team with him.

*All of my longtime friends who are still a part of my life and show never-ending support and love. I love you guys!

*Last but not least, my professors at school who pushed me and criticised me and rewarded me for a job well done.

*And, of course, Berlyn. She is everything. She teaches me something new every day and the love I have for her is beyond anything I can describe. “Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us.”

What social event rocked your socks off in 2010? Oh – that is easy. Attending the Chris Isaak concert in August with my dear friend, Satya. Not only was it an amazing concert full of sexy music (and frontman) but at the end, Mr. Isaak invited me and my 2 friends on stage, to dance. What an exhilarating and spontaneous moment. I’ll never forget it.

What is my word for 2011? It’s Motivation.

In 2011, let me above all else, work hard, be focused, have my priorities straight and my heart wide open and one day, I am going to be exactly where I want to be.

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011?

1. Drama
2. Dating
3. Bills
4. Temper tantrums
5. Car trouble
6. Arguments and fights
7. Miscommunications
8. Bad grades
9. Bad hair days
10. Illnesses
11. Another baby {hahahaha}

And, hands down – the best moment of the year was the day Berlyn was finally, 100% potty-trained.

No comments: