Thankful.

Hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving!

This past week has reminded me of all the things I have to be thankful for. I am indeed grateful for the personal strength I have, the family and friends who surround me. the second (and third) chances I've been allowed and the life and opportunities I've been given.

Mostly, I am thankful for the gift of motherhood and my beautiful, little girl.

XOXO,

And All That Jazz

One Proud Momma!

Check out my little munchkin. Like, seriously? I am overwhelmed at how amazing she is.

Am I bragging? You bet your sweet ass I am.

Our Halloween

Even though Halloween is naturally my favorite holiday {have you seen me?} - this year was extremely low-key.

Which, I am fine with. But I always hope that the next year will be crazy, over-the-top.  And it will be. Oh, just wait, peeps! But, it's a secret until then... ;)

For now, we did the pumpkins. Very anti-climatic, I might add.
And then the trick or treating.

That was it. No parties. No elaborate decorating. I didn't even have a "costume". Well, granted with my normal hair and make-up, people always think I'm "something or other." Halloween is the easiest day of the year for me to finally fit in!

Berlyn's costume was bought a good 2 months in advance. I had to hide it so she wouldn't  play dress up in it - it was fricking expensive!!! But it was worth it. SO CUTE!

I was especially excited about trick or treating this year because of our new neighborhood. We live in a historic district and the homes, trees, atmosphere is amazing for Halloween. We weren't disappointed!

 Until next year!

Parenting WIN

I have always been boy-crazy. Like, since the age of 3 or something. It's ridiculous.

I was curious when my own little one would start down that path. And, ladies and gents, I think it's starting....

Not only that, her taste seems awfully familiar.

Behold, Berlyn's first official crush:

And to show that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Here are MY first crushes:

 

Notice anything similar?

Lil Miss Sunshine

No matter what struggles or triumphs I face in my life, there is always one constant.

The love I have for my little girl.

Pumpkin Power!

This weeked was a first for our family.

Berlyn had never, ever carved a pumpkin. Or, more importantly, seen the inside of one.

I bought 2 good sized ones for me, Berlyn and her daddy so we could have a pumpkin party last Friday evening.

The end result? Berlyn's dad did all the drawing and carving, I took some pics and Berlyn kept trying to get to the knife - lol. In the background, we were watching one of my favorite 80s horror flicks "Waxwork." Not as "homey" as I had imagined but, it was still fun.  Now, just hoping these things don't rot by Halloween.....

Finished!

Be Careful What You Say to Little Children.

Seriously, folks.

About a month ago, we had a little issue with Berlyn.

Lying.

Oy. Really? Already? She’s only four. I guess it starts earlier than I thought.

Her dad and I were watching 'Pan’s Labyrinth'. 

(If you’ve never seen it, there is a hideous monster in it. He has no eyes…well, he does. They are on his hands. And he eats little children. I am totally not making this up.)

This is a foreign film, fyi. And it’s pretty messed up but well, I typically like that sort of thing.

Anyways, one evening Berlyn had been grounded for about 3 nights straight. For lying. We had no idea how to convey to her the importance of telling the truth.

I had already tried the Pinocchio tactic numerous times...."Your nose is growing, Berlyn." She would stop, feel her nose and yell "No, it's NOT!!!"

Fail.

So, her dad says, “See that guy? (points to monster), he doesn’t like lying. His name is Frank. I have his number in my phone.”

You should have seen Berlyn’s face. Priceless.

Odd how we are trying to teach her the importance of lying, when, we - her parents, are…well, lying.

So, over the next few days, here and there, when she was misbehaving her dad would say “Want me to call Frank?” and she would scream “NO!!!!”

Today, she walked up to me with 2 strawberry hard candies on her hands, held them up to her eyes and said, “Mommy, I’m Frank.”

 God, I totally forgot about that. Guess that sort of stuff does stick...

A Small Miracle

I am sure that many of you in my personal life, as well as Bloggerland, have heard me this past year sob, moan and complain about "losing my entire life" earlier this year.

Dramatic, much? No, never!

Anyways, quick re-cap: back in January my computer decided to commit suicide....not once, not twice; THREE freaking times.
Really? I have to mention this was also right in the midst of my COLLEGE courses.

My brother is a computer whiz but even he couldn't stop the viruses and the ultimate death of my photos, music, videos and documents . To say I was crushed is an understatement. I honestly think I went into shock and stayed there. It never fully hit me that I'd lost the first drafts of my book, my daughter's baby pics and VIDEOS (these were totally irreplaceable; they weren't backed up or on the net ANYWHERE!) and of course, the 12,000 + songs I had in my iTunes.

I just plugged along and thought, "Guess I am starting over. Again." *sigh*

So, yesterday (after a week of becoming unemployed, being sick, having my landlord harass me about the stupid lawn, and going without heat in our house) this all sounds way worse than it is, by the way, trust me; I went to my parents house for Sunday dinner.

My brother showed up and laid some news on me.

"So, you know how you lost all those files? Well, I think I found them." (my brother is always this blunt. I love it.)

I think I just sat there, like a lump for a minute or two. I don't remember much after that. My ears were ringing and my head was floating.

He plugged his external drive into my laptop and PRESTO! There were my videos, my awful poems, Berlyn's baby pictures and yes, all 12,000 songs I had lost.

Seriously, that is some major LUCK. Or, as my mom (and I) would agree - an answered prayer. Maybe God feels bad for all the shit I've gone through in the last little while? (Just kidding, JC!) Or maybe, it's just time things start to go my way.

Oh, and the first thing I looked at? Berlyn's videos.

Originally I was going to post a video of Berlyn from her 1st time to Disneyland when she was 1. But, I still have the same crappy PC (yes, unbelievable) and the video took FOREVER to load.

So, instead enjoy the utter cuteness of newborn Berlyn and me, and my brother - being TOTAL dorks with her. The best part? My proclamation on "how heavy she is." Um, yeah. Pretty sure she only weighed about 10 pounds.

Is there a lesson in all of this?

BACK UP YOUR SHIT. Seriously. I can't believe how stupid I was not owning an external drive of my own before this.

xoxo,

Four Years Old ♥

My baby girl.

She is four today.

I can't even believe it.

These have been the best years of my life because she's been in them.

I love you, Monkey =)




Berlyn Elise, July 2, 2007

 

First Photoshoot!

First Birthday

Two



Three



Almost Four

I can't wait for all the years to come with my princess. She is truly a miracle and my best friend ♥

Wall of Shame

Many years ago, one of my long time friends used to joke about (if) she ever had children, she would construct a "wall of shame" in her home that showcased all of the embarrassing and horrific photos of her child behaving badly.

When I heard her idea, I was not yet a mom but you better believe I laughed my ass off. Can you imagine? Your child as a teenager and them bringing home a date or friends and then leading them down the hallway to view their "wall of shame"? I giggle every time I think about it.

I never actually considered doing this to my own child. Then, I had Berlyn. She is an angel. *cough*...Usually. But when she isn't?  I do take pictures of her so she can see how ridiculous she is being/acting. It seems to work once she gets an eyeful of a hideous picture of herself. I know I learned MY lesson years ago from all the traumatic shots my mom had of me in family albums.

Will I really construct my own "Wall of Shame" for my daughter? Not sure yet. Only time will tell. Depends on how wild of a teenager she ends up being. Then, it will be my revenge.

I think being able to embarrass your child is a parent's right and more often than not, it is so fun.

Here are a few of my faves...and one day, will probably be some of Berlyn's least faves.

##$@%^% this beach, shit!

I don't wanna.

Please feed me, I am starving.

Haha!

Waking up is not so pretty.

Call me, OGB.

Haunted Mansion @ Disneyland. Obviously, not enjoying herself.

My Grumpy Valentine.

V-Day.

Valentine's Day for a single woman is pretty much miserable. It does nothing but throw in your face the fact that you are alone, no one wants you and you might be destined to die....alone.

With that being said, I no longer fear this holiday. I believe that one day I will have a man in my life who will love and care for me and might even take me to dinner.

But until then, I see Valentine's as a day to express and receive love. Period. That's it. Love is the greatest (free) gift in the entire world.

My Valentine this year? My girl, Berlyn. She wished me a "happy valentine's day, Mommy" about 5 times today and every time it made me feel so very lucky and like my heart was going to explode.

{Getting all the texts from friends today was wonderful too. I have some amazing people in my life. I love you guys.}

Tell the people you love in your life just HOW much you love them today. And well, every day. Life is too short.

XOXO!

Bad News

In the past, I had some people in my life who, at one time, were a HUGE part of it. But then things changed. We grew apart, we didn't see eye to eye and bad things happened. Then, they were gone.

The one that hurts the most is my ex, Berlyn's dad. I was with him for nearly 5 years when we found out we were expecting. And even though those 5 years were difficult and filled with drama, we had a lot of good times in between. These days, I have no contact with him. My daughter is "traded off" each visit by my parents. It makes me sad all the time to think we can't even see each other, let alone speak. But, some things are for the best.

Recently we found out he is sick. As in, has an illness. And it is a scary one. Upon hearing the news I was overwhelmed with emotions I didn't expect to surface. But, they did and it left me feeling such a sadness I could hardly bear it. This isn't about me though. Though it affects my life because of Berlyn. And because he used to be an integral part of my life - I feel scared for him. And wish I could do something. But I probably can't.

Anyways, the purpose of this post was not for sympathy. It was to point out that even when trucking along, making all the right decisions, being a good person and minding your own business - life can smack you upside the head. It always reaffirms in me that I should tell people how I feel - I love them, I care about them, I miss them - even when I feel stupid for saying it so much or it doesn't get said back to me. I don't care anymore. It's important - if you love someone - say it. They need to know. Trust me, nothing is worse than losing someone and knowing they never knew your true feelings.

Hug someone today. Tell them you love them. That's what I plan on doing ♥

Evil Mommy

I have always prided myself on two things. My open, kind, giant heart. And, my quirky, twisted sense of humor. They don't sound like they really go hand in hand. But it works for me.

I always knew I wouldn't be a "normal Mom" - not by a long shot. One of my good friends teased me years ago that she envisioned me putting eyeliner on my infant. At the time, it probably wasn't far from the truth but I never did. {Oh wait, yes, on Halloween I put eye makeup on Berlyn. And she looked darn CUTE!} I also had the "brilliant" idea that once I was a mom I would buy tons and tons of those Kid Cuisines for my child, because well, I can't cook. Yeah, that sounds so healthy, right?!

Anyways, I think nothing is funnier than kids that get mad, curses or embarrasses themselves. No, I am not cruel and mean, I just get a kick out of stuff like that. To a point of course. I'm not Satan.

Recently, Berlyn's beloved "Baby bunny" was left at daycare. Since I have been out of work, we only go to daycare once a month or so. Berlyn has not been apart from Baby Bunny for ONE DAY since she was born. If you look at any of my photos of her, Baby Bunny will be making an appearance. But I think Baby Bunny has overstayed her welcome. Gone is the bottle, the binkies, the diapers, the baby toys, the crib, so why can't Baby Bunny get the eff out too? Besides - this thing looks diseased. Berlyn has tortured this thing and I am amazed it's still in one piece.

Now, my confession. I left Baby Bunny at daycare for -- 3 weeks. I know, I know...I am terrible. But it worked! Berlyn finally forgot about B.B. and all was right with the world. Until....I got her back. Now they are attached at the hip (or really, B.B.'s nose to Berlyn's mouth...yeah, she attacks this thing like a rabid pit bull. Must be a sign of affection or something.) I will have to work on this...but later.

Onto our Siamese cat, Kiera. Berlyn is obsessed with this poor cat. To the point that she thinks she is her "Mama." Haha, it's really cute but not when she squeezes the ever-loving life out of her and tries to smother her with pillows and blankies so she is "cozy." The biggest obstacle I am facing with Kiera is the fact that she is strictly an outdoor cat while we are at my parents house. Berlyn cannot understand this concept, at all. Mainly because Kiera used to live inside, with us. So this leads to a daily begging and screaming fit where Berlyn tries to bribe ME into having Kiera come inside. I started fibbing to telling her that Kiera was "busy" and was off with her "kitty friends" having a "kitty party." Lol....last night Berlyn ran in to tell my parents Kiera was at a "kitty party." They looked at her like she had lobsters coming out her ears.

*Note: I can't forget to mention the one incident involving Kiera inside which equalled Berlyn dumping an entire bowl of CAT FOOD....IN MY BED. Talk about a nice surprise.

There are a host of other things I've done or said that I might regret one day. Maybe. Just this morning Berlyn ate a chocolate chip off the carpet (who knows how long it was there....shudder); and I looked at her and said "That was poo." Her eyes, big as saucers, she promptly screamed "No, it's NOT!!!!". Hey, it gave me a giggle.

Destruction, baby.

Being a mom, I don't ever really know what is considered "normal" behavior for a toddler. I have my own opinions but then I look at other kids and think, "Wow, mine is so....different." Not that that's a bad thing. I rather like that she is. But sometimes I wonder...She is a pretty intense little girl, lol.

Lately Berlyn has taken to tantrums and lots of whining, screaming and crying. It is awful. I can't even tell you how awful. You just want to have a pause button for them sometimes so you can go in the other room and breathe.
What's worse than the tantrums though is when they start to destroy your stuff. I am not that materialistic, really. But I do have certain things that I own that I am very sentimental about and get upset when they are obliterated. Naturally, who wouldn't be?

Case in point: Last year my Siamese cat got on top of my kitchen cabinets and knocked down several very unique and special items. One was a bowl from Japan - my grandparents gave it to me. And the other? A crystal wine glass with my name and the date of my friends (Stan and Stephanie)'s wedding. They had it made just for me, when I was 6. Oh, and Stan died when I was 12. It was irreplaceable. I cried for days, literally. I'm still pissed at my cat.

So anyways, back to Berlyn. In the last few weeks she has destroyed two of my prized possessions. And I am terrified of what she gets to next. God help me.

Here's the damage...so far:



Art Deco vase I've had forever.




Limited Edition print of Marilyn - (luckily the marks are only on the frame.) But still.

**UPDATE** 12.07.10

Here's another one. Sheesh! Do I need to buy a giant vault for my stuff or what?!

My soccer trophy. The little guy will never be the same.

Snow Day!!!

Wow, Boise just got hit by the Snow Fairies (or Demons, as I like to call them.) *grumble*

Since I was home with Berlyn, we enjoyed it as much as we could. Got a few nice shots even though I have the crappiest, cheapest camera on Earth. She sure loves the snow. Is she seriously my daughter?! Her favorite thing to do? Eat it. Of course I had to give her the "Don't eat brown, yellow, etc snow ever!" talk. She seemed very disturbed about the yellow snow especially...

Enjoy! =)

Is it just me or does my Dad look like the Unabomber?

Our Christmas Photo this year! And in one take, too!

31 is almost 40, ya know.

My post title? Yeah....those were the kind words my Dad offered to me regarding my birthday. Thanks Dad. Really. You shouldn't have.

This past week was Thanksgiving week. It was also my birthday week. I had something planned every single day, which rarely, if ever, happens to me. Although a few of my plans fell through and I wasn't in the *greatest* of moods, it was still so much fun.

Monday:
The week started off with me tuning into Skating w/ the Stars and watching Vince Neil's performance that evening (see previous post: Rather Boring Update). My god. I was like an epileptic on a hot tin roof. I guess I had my face all contorted or something and was squealing like a pig because Berlyn asked me, rather alarmed "What's wrong, Momma?" Hahahaha. I was just nervous for Vince. I get that way about my Motley boys. I make fun of them relentlessly but I am fiercely protective. Basically, I will cut you if you talk crap. I'm a freak...I know.

Tuesday:
My birthday. Turning 31 felt a wee bit more terrifying than 30. I don't know why. Maybe because turning 30 was a milestone, and now being IN my actual 30s is just depressing. (Not to mention that sweet comment my Dad made.) The truth is I still get mistaken for being 21. No joke. I haven't really aged much in the last 10 years. I am so thankful but also know, it could change any minute. I could be the Cryptkeeper tomorrow. But my morning was off to a good start. As I walked through our living room Berlyn decided to sing "Happy Birthday" to me. Now, if you haven't had the privilege to hear my little one sing...you are missing out. She's got the most perfect little baby chipmunk voice and she can completely carry a tune. I'm almost tempted to turn into one of those show biz moms and get her into Hollywood. Almost. I admit, I signed into Facebook just to see how many people wished me Happy Birthday. And I wasn't disappointed. I got some rather funny posts; even a video serenade by one of my favorite people! And I was left feeling like I was truly loved. Nothing feels better than that. My best friend posted EIGHT posts for me, hahaha. I think she was excited it was my birthday. What a sweetie. Not to mention the gift she is sending me is going to top them all....stay tuned!

The downside of the day? I ran out of cigarettes and was unable to enjoy a smoke. I know, boohoo. It's a gross habit and I should quit but dammit, it was my birthday. I deserved a stupid cigarette. Can you tell I am cranky about this? Well, I am. Normally my birthday doesn't mean anything to me. I've had very few birthdays that were actually enjoyable. Let alone had a party for. The last GREAT birthday party I ever had? It was in 1992 and one of my junior high friends threw me a party at a pizzeria where we were all kicked out of after we messed with the volume controls on the jukebox and resulted in Guns N Roses "Get in the Ring" blasting as loudly as a jet. Of course this was a family establishment and if you know the actual words to "Get in the Ring"? Well then....you get it. It was rad. Anyways major tangent....sorry....my birthday dinner this year consisted of some of my family: my Mom, my Dad, my brother, Cari and Berlyn.  And, my favorite meal (my mom's spaghetti, garlic bread and salad). Other than that, it was laid-back and not much ballyhoo. Fine by me. Oh, we also got a video of me being sung "Happy Birthday" (again) by Berlyn and her also making sure I unwrapped my presents the way she wanted to = in 5 seconds.

Berlyn and I, 11.23.10

Wednesday:
I was irritated for some reason, immediately. Probably because I was broke, hadn't had a cigarette in 48 hours and the roads were crap. Add to that it was about 9 degrees outside.
I did a lot of cleaning in preparation for our Thanksgiving meal. But things quickly turned around.  In the evening, I got ready for a night out with my brother, sister in law and their friends. My brother Sean has been a musician for years. And, a rather talented one at that. Many years ago this sweet guy was in his band and one of his best friends. He's now all grown up (kinda) and in his very own band here in Boise called The Forgotten. We all trekked down to The Knitting Factory (where I have seen, oh about 20+ shows in past years) and enjoyed a rather rowdy time! I came to the realization that being at concerts and around musicians is when I am truly in my element. I need to explore this more....lol. Gotta get working on that "marrying a rock star" thing. I ran into my friend of 10 years, Shane; I got hit on by young and old men (even getting sucked into a mini therapy session with an old biker who had recently been dumped...got to put my Psych skills to work!) and ended the night watching "The Lost Boys", eating Taco Bell and lying by my brother's fireplace. Sigh....was a good night.

My beautiful sis in law and I, 11.24.10

My brother, sis in law, Logan and I, 11.24.10

Logan is the one we went to see and support. Love him!

Thursday:
Thanksgiving! My morning began by a) eating a delicious raspberry and creme pastry, b) watching Kylie Minogue (and others) on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, c) getting furious with my stupid laptop (hello, 2 weeks before finals is NOT the time to crap out on me!) and d) smelling the cooking onions that 4 years prior were the final hint that maybe I was pregnant! {I was insanely nauseous and couldn't figure out why. The very next day...I took the test and BAM! Baby on the way.} 
This is the first year I have not had Berlyn with me. I went ahead and let her Dad have her for several days as his family was in town and I felt like it was a good idea. It feels so disorienting to not have your child on a major holiday but....I got to be a grown-up again, participate in the conversations and the wine drinking. Another clue I am an official grown-up? (Hahaha, at 31 I should hope so...) -- I spent the evening alone in my room, listening to jazz and writing my last 2 papers and portfolio for school. And watching "Niagara" with Marilyn Monroe while sipping a glass of wine. I am such a party animal.

My Dad and I on Thanksgiving

Eating with my cousin, aunt and uncle!

Friday:
I was supposed to have this day "off" and go with my parents to take a winery tour; something I've wanted to do for a loooong time. But, Berlyn's dad wasn't able to keep her for the day so I spent it at home, with my girl. I couldn't believe I was actually able to eat a bite today. I have never ate more than I did this Thanksgiving. Diet is being started......now!

Only one month until Christmas! I can't wait.

Much love,
Sarah

The Simple Things

Regardless of how hectic, difficult or just downright depressing things can get, I still have a sense of calm and peace in my life.

That reason is Berlyn.

She makes everything okay again. She makes me happy and believe in love and all that is good.

Here are some recent pics of her that I love.