November.

November is a big bundle of feelings and emotions for me.

On the one hand you have: Thanksgiving, the beginnings of Fall, the anticipation of Christmas and, my birthday. All fabulous things, obviously.

On the other hand, it's a time of sadness  - there were two deaths (one 19 years ago, the other 14) that are still very poignant to me and make this month bittersweet for me, personally.

The death of a close friend who was a mainstay in my childhood, and, a musician who I'd loved for years; two people who I still think about a whole lot.

In remembrance of Stan Mason and Michael Hutchence ♥ Thinking of you both this November.

Packing.

Several years back, I think it was 2001 or 2002, I moved 8 times. EIGHT. My father dubbed me “The Gypsy Queen” and I can’t say that I hated the nickname.

I have recognized a pattern in my life since then; one of moving, changing, evolving, never settling. This always reminds me of my childhood when I was running away and never felt “stable” or at peace. I constantly felt a pull or a need to keep trying something new and different.

My biggest passion is to travel and explore. The World, really. And often I feel this is why I’ve never a) found a true home or b) found a true soul mate. 

As I am packing up my life (aka possessions) once again this weekend, I can’t help but feel excited and hopeful, like I always do in these situations. The hope of something bigger and better around the corner.

I doubt I will ever have true roots set down anywhere. And that thought doesn’t scare me; it encourages me. I am a Bohemian at my very core. 

Even being a parent, this hasn't deterred my true nature and I know this will only benefit Berlyn one day. I want her to see things and experience things others haven't. It is possible to raise a child with structure AND adventure, regardless of what anyone says.

In the words of U2, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for….and it feels good to me.

Coming Clean

For the past year and a half, I have had a secret. A horrible, humiliating, embarrassing secret.

And now that it is public knowledge, I felt I should address it head on and hopefully clear up some of the confusion.

Yes folks, I am a criminal. Or, that is what the State of Idaho wants you to think anyways...

Are you surprised?

In August of 2009, after a heated argument between my ex and I - I did the stupidest thing I have ever done (and there have been a lot of those): I slapped him. Once. And, my life ever since then has been a mess.

I now get the privilege (burden) of being known as a "domestic abuser" for the rest of my life. And, if you really know me, this is not the person I really am.I have never hit anyone and I am not violent. If anything I am too nice and even though I have a temper, I would never intentionally hurt ANYONE.

I have, in spite of it all, attempted to make the best of it. I weeded out all the negative thoughts, people and behaviors in my life. I gained perspective, I felt remorse, I grew as a person and I got really motivated to improve my life. (It was actually the catalyst for me going back to school and being as successful as I am right now.)

But it took me a while to get here...and it was excruciatingly painful.

Through the whole ordeal, I managed to come out the other side, grateful, feeling blessed and having a stronger personality, more specific goals, better people surrounding me and a greater sense of self than I ever have.

The one thing I regret, and always will, is that I hurt my ex.  And I was wrong. With the ramifications of my poor decision, I have had no contact with him for one and half years. And the only person that has really hurt has been our precious daughter. If I could rewind time, I would.

This past week, bad news and drama seemed to want to pay me a visit once again. And, this time, I didn't bring it on myself. Not entirely anyways.

I found out my ex had an illness. And I cried.The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sad, powerless and scared. Knowing I couldn't speak to him or reach out to him killed me.

Then, a day later, all that I had written the past several years (my unborn book), all of my photos and even more was wiped from my computer when I got a vicious virus over the weekend. I lost everything.

I all of a sudden had this sneaking thought in the back of my head then - "bad things happen in threes" - and I tried my best to ignore it. I went to work, I went to class, I wrote papers, I dealt with Berlyn's temper tantrums and then - BAM - I woke up one morning to find, I had a warrant out for my arrest.

Why, you ask?

To put it simply, I missed a few classes and a few UA's (drug tests) a while back because I was unemployed for FOUR MONTHS. I was broke. Do you think Idaho cares about that? No. Do you think it matters to them that I have been working my ass off with school, work, motherhood and mandatory probation classes twice a week to "be a productive individual" and actually go somewhere in life? No. Does it matter that this incident happened one and half YEARS ago? Nope.

Why am I explaining all of this to you? Well, I have a track record of being misunderstood. I am a simple, if not boring, girl. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I make mistakes, I love people immensely and I trust too much. And my brain is not always connected. I end up feeling I have to defend myself...constantly. Too many like to judge and they like to assume. And you know what they say about people who assume.... you make an "ass" out of u + me"....something like that. Anyways, I always feel that people, besides my family or closest friends, don't know the real me and don't get how I operate. I am here to tell you, unless you know that I a) never mean anyone harm, b) don't always think things through and c) I think outside the box....then, you don't know me.

So, back to my recent run-in with "the law" - I went ahead and took responsibility. I faced the music. With the help of my ever supportive, loving and accepting parents, I dealt with it. As quickly, efficiently and as maturely as I could.

And now I hope to move the eff on.....again.

A part of me is very angry. I try to put things into perspective. I get that, if you break the law, you have to pay the consequence. And I have. I pay over $200 a month of my money to pay for my mistake. I also pay a lot of my time and energy. I end up feeling drained, ashamed and having to be constantly, daily, reminded of my mistake. There is something so wrong about making someone have to pay for their mistakes....again. And again. And again. It is ridiculous. Especially when they (I) have made major strides to fix and improve one's life. It seems to me that the legal system and law enforcement enjoy having people on probation.
They get a ton of money and they make it impossible for you to escape.

In the process, I have met so many (amazing) women who were abused, manipulated or in unhealthy relationships paying the price for defending themselves. Yes, hitting people is wrong, wrong, wrong. I totally get that. But sometimes, we can't help who we fall for. And if you are like me, you tend to want to see the best in people and ignore the bad. That will get you nowhere. If this has taught me anything, it's that I am not prepared to be in any sort of relationship. Maybe never. I need to fix whatever it is that made me react the way I did and never allow that to happen again. But knowing I am not alone and that not just trashy, bad people do things like slap their partner makes me feel that there is hope and there is a reason for why bad things happen to good people.


The moral of this post?

Even when you are growing, improving and walking the straight line, the past doesn't sleep. It will try to ruin you if you let it.

And I am here to say: I refuse.

Bad News

In the past, I had some people in my life who, at one time, were a HUGE part of it. But then things changed. We grew apart, we didn't see eye to eye and bad things happened. Then, they were gone.

The one that hurts the most is my ex, Berlyn's dad. I was with him for nearly 5 years when we found out we were expecting. And even though those 5 years were difficult and filled with drama, we had a lot of good times in between. These days, I have no contact with him. My daughter is "traded off" each visit by my parents. It makes me sad all the time to think we can't even see each other, let alone speak. But, some things are for the best.

Recently we found out he is sick. As in, has an illness. And it is a scary one. Upon hearing the news I was overwhelmed with emotions I didn't expect to surface. But, they did and it left me feeling such a sadness I could hardly bear it. This isn't about me though. Though it affects my life because of Berlyn. And because he used to be an integral part of my life - I feel scared for him. And wish I could do something. But I probably can't.

Anyways, the purpose of this post was not for sympathy. It was to point out that even when trucking along, making all the right decisions, being a good person and minding your own business - life can smack you upside the head. It always reaffirms in me that I should tell people how I feel - I love them, I care about them, I miss them - even when I feel stupid for saying it so much or it doesn't get said back to me. I don't care anymore. It's important - if you love someone - say it. They need to know. Trust me, nothing is worse than losing someone and knowing they never knew your true feelings.

Hug someone today. Tell them you love them. That's what I plan on doing ♥

The Human Condition

Few things make me realize just how right on track I am in going into social work and psychology than watching the evening news. I have long avoided watching any news programs. In fact, if you ask my Dad about the time he brought up Waco, TX to me when I was a teenager, you’ll laugh.

After seeing the news coverage for the recent shooting of Arizona Congresswoman Giffords, I was barely able to contain my tears watching it. And the funny thing is, I don’t know these people. They are strangers. Yet I feel something so deep inside it nearly rips me apart. {The same can be said for child abuse, animal cruelty, the mentally ill or racism/prejudice in our society.} I feel not only a huge amount of grief and heartache, but also, pride in other humans who take initiative, sacrifice and put their lives in danger for the sake of another. I feel hope that the whole world hasn’t gone mad and that there are still good people out there. And I pray that one day I will be one of them.

I thank God everyday that He made me as empathetic, compassionate, caring, loving, sensitive and emotional as I am. Having been made fun of, criticized, dumped or cast off by friends or ex’s because I was “too emotional or sensitive” makes me feel sorry for those who can’t feel what I do.

I embrace it.

I am happy to feel such a full range of emotions. And I plan to do something with it – something constructive, positive and beneficial. I found my life calling and knowing most never find theirs, I know I am blessed.

I am dying to get started on my path into social service and helping those who need it. I used to hear the saying “One person can’t change the world” but I no longer believe that. It is in everyone’s power to do so. They just have to want it badly enough.

Transition(ing)

When I started my blog in October 2008, it began as a sort of "journal" if you will. I am equal parts "fluffy/light-hearted and deep/introspective" like my tag line says. Originally I felt like I didn't need to hold back on personal feelings and opinions but then, drama ensued. I felt that a lot of the wrong people were viewing what I wrote and misunderstanding, twisting or even judging everything I blogged about. So, I stopped. I let my love of vintage and the 40's and 50's take over because I have always found peace there. It was something easy to focus on and made me happy. But lately, I feel the need to be introspective again. It is who I am, at my core. I fight against it and yet I can't. I am a person who thinks (and analyzes) about everything. EVERYTHING. And now that I am in my 30's and have endured a lot of the hard knocks of life, I feel like I have every right to express whatever I want to. If you don't like what I write, then simply don't look. That's pretty much my view on most anything.

With that being said, I want to be able to explore and grow and evolve, as I (Sarah) should. This means I can no longer hold back what I am passionate about or feel I must say. Of course, I understand what it means to be tactful and I am working very diligently at it. But again, we are who we are. And I wouldn't expect anyone else to compromise themselves either. We have that right, each and every one of us, to practice freedom of speech and expression.

Blogging should be a freeing, liberating, emotional and personal experience. We all hope that someone, somewhere gets what we are saying and makes us feel that we are not alone. That's my purpose here and I intend to follow through.

I admit, the last few (well, 20) years of my life have been chaotic, at best. I don't want this anymore. I am fighting against it, tooth and nail. No one's life should be constant turmoil, pain and depression. Not even my worst enemy (but, I don't have any.) Basically, happiness is a right we should all have and so is inner peace.

Maybe we can all practice in being more open-minded, understanding, friendly, and human. That's my biggest wish.

Slowing Down

Well, folks. I've done it again. I've stretched myself wayyyy too thin and now it's time to slow down.
I have a nasty habit of taking on too much. Too much stress, too many tasks, too many responsibilities. And I have an even nastier habit of getting burned out fast or just plain overwhelmed.

Right now I have three major life events going on simultaneously.
School. Still have a month until finals and then, I get to start all over again - for the next 5 months.
Job-hunt. Because, you know, I need money.
Write/publish a book. Huge task. Not even at the tip of the iceberg yet. Will probably take me, like, 3 years to get anywhere.
Oh, and, the full time Mom thing.

So naturally I can't pay too much attention to anything else. That sucks. Dating, being social and anything else kind of falls by the wayside. It's the only way I can get anything done.

I plan on checking in here to update....if there is even anything to update on. Ha. I have a tendency to be pretty boring. I'm even cutting down heavily on my Facebook time in the hopes of lessening any distractions. But, I'm still here. I need to be because I have some wonderful friends and family members who worry about me...and Berlyn.

And I go a little stir-crazy when I am cut off from everyone for too long.

All my love!

I have a Confession.

Some of you know me, some of you don't.

But, if you don't...I'd like to confess a few things.

I am an emotional roller-coaster.

I am often times ruled by those said emotions.

If I am angry it actually means I am sad.

I am too sensitive for my own good. And, sometimes it is good.

I care about people I've never even met.

I still love people that have hurt me.

I am the most loyal person I know.

I'm not here on this Earth to win any popularity contests, make friends, be taken advantage of, used or let people abuse me. I am here to be me and to do the best I can.

I have been accused of being a "drama queen". I don't see why this is necessarily a bad thing.

I make people laugh and I make people feel loved and safe.

I fight demons every. single. day. Non-literal ones, of course.

I make mistakes. Big ones. 

I try to learn from my mistakes. I'm not always successful.

I don't apologize for being me. 

But, I do regret any hurt feelings I've caused.

I'm on this journey called life, just like everyone else.

Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It.

Okay, I am about to get real serious here for a minute.

I've been thinking a lot about the recent "epidemic" of teens killing themselves. The bullying, the prejudice against gays. It turns my stomach.

But, I think it's important to remember something else about all this. Suicide is often a product of having depression or mental illness. Not always, but most of the time. Yet, it's hardly ever mentioned. I think that's a mistake.

I, at one time, viewed suicide as despicable, disgusting and it completely flabbergasted me. "Why on Earth would you EVER want to do that?!" was my recurring thought. I viewed it as being a selfish act and it held no logic for me. After all, tomorrow is another day, right?
I had a family member who was "suicidal" for several years and I watched him spiral. And, I couldn't say or do anything to help him. I also had a cousin that did commit suicide, and I was always completely dumbfounded on what made them feel those feelings. I couldn't relate.

Until....my mid-late 20s.

All of a sudden, I got it. I understood how a person could have those thoughts and even, follow through. And it scared the bejezus outta me. I am a lifelong "chronic depressive." I, like many many many others out there suffer from this debilitating condition and have absolutely no control over it. The only things I can do are think positive, take one thing (or day) at a time and medicate myself (if you believe in it.) I do. The most important thing to remember is that depression is an illness. It can't be "snapped out of" or "fixed" overnight. And frankly, I am sick and tired of all the prejudice that people have. You need to e-d-u-c-a-t-e yourself before you judge.

I can't tell you how heart-breaking it is to watch all these events going on lately. These kids have a problem no one can even imagine or comprehend, unless you yourself have been there. It is not a fun place to be. I speak from experience. While most of your friends, family or even, acquaintances will say "Oh, things will better" "Don't worry"...."Everything will be OK"...these things are not recognizable to someone in the depths of a depression.

My biggest motivator for entering the psychology/social work field stems from my empathy and drive to help these people, first and foremost. I think that the "mental" community gets overlooked so often and it's completely unfair and wrong.

If you care about someone, if you have a human bone in your body and your heart is not made of ice, please please, I beg of you...be understanding. Be a friend. Be there, if you can.

I Must be Crazy

As I countdown the final 6 weeks of this semester, I ponder:

"Why exactly am I putting myself through all this?! I must be crazy!"

I am taking 12 credits. Two classes I like, two I don't. But, I have to take them in order to move forward. And, get that damn degree.

Sociology is a breeze and something I love. It's also my only A right now.
English has long been my favorite subject and I usually excel at it but, for some reason, I keep getting these crazy, hard ass English teachers that I want to punch in the head. Which results in me questioning my strength and gifts I have long been reminded of. I really dislike teachers sometimes.

Math and Politics...are like trying to decipher Siberian. Wait, is that a language? Anyways, it's hard. Not my strong points or anything that remotely interests me. As far as I'm concerned, they can both go to hell.

(PS. Adding to the frustration? I register for my NEXT set of classes next week. And, you guessed it, more Math, Science and English. :( Kill me now.)

It's hard for me not to get discouraged. A few things are against me:

I am 30. And most of my peers have degrees or fabulous/fulfilling careers.

I am poor. Thankfully, financial aid exists and it's been a godsend.

I am a single mom. Which,translates to....homework is next to IMPOSSIBLE to do with a 3 year old demanding your attention 24/7.

I am still trying to juggle finding a job whilst handling all my other responsibilities.

Add to that, I suffer from depression. This makes my daily life that much harder.

And, studying is not something that comes easy to me. I was a high school drop-out after all. I have no recollection of how to be a student.

Last year was the hardest year of my life. But, it caused me to do a few things:

**prioritize, grow up and think about the future**

It spurred me on to re-evaluate everything.

Were the people I was surrounded by really good for me? No.
Was I living up to my true potential? No.
Was I doing anything with my life? No.
Did I have the tools to succeed as a mother, friend, girlfriend, daughter, student, professional? No.
Was I headed for disaster? Yes.

This led to cutting out all the excess, the baggage, the bad habits, the demons and the hang-ups.

I have about 3 more years of schooling before I feel like I will be satisfied. It's going to be difficult. But, if there is one thing I've learned about myself?

I totally got this.

Freedom! Kind of...

"Keep it simple, stupid."

{No, I'm not talking to you....I'm talking to myself.}

Lately, this saying has been going through my head. I never realized just how tied down by social networking I was until these last few days. I have this "to do list" I've mentioned, meant to simplify my life and empower me yet I can't break myself away from checking my Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc etc etc. I know, I know...I have this blog but this blog was meant to update my family and friends on mine and Berlyn's lives.

So, I deleted those other sites. This isn't the first time I've done this. But, something is different this time.

Main reasons?

*I miss having some privacy. And power over who sees what I write/post.

*I am sick to death of getting my feelings hurt because I'm sensitive and I have to see or read something that upsets me on FB.

*And, I am tired of being invisible. You know how it goes...you log on and your friends are talking to everyone BUT you? Oh, I'm sorry. Am I boring to you? Didn't realize I had cooties.

Or, you have the privilege of seeing the photos from the party YOU were not invited to? Yeah, that stings.

*Not to mention, having people block you. Yes, I am serious. I've done it myself and it hurts a lot when it's done to you. And, quite frankly, it's really juvenile and way too junior high. I regret doing it to others so I can't complain that it was done to me. But, seriously, enough with the games.

*And honestly, I feel like sometimes we share too much on the internet now. What happened to mystery? I'm sure I am coming off as a total hypocrite because, after all, I have this blog but I started this blog for myself. I like to write, I like to rant and I like having a record of my life.

In conclusion, I'm a grown woman, I am busy (hello, 3 year old!) and I have better things to do with my time than get wrapped up in this social "nonsense". Especially when it's hurtful and makes me feel bad about myself.

If I am going to be online, I rather surround myself with people that actually give a damn...or at least, make an attempt to communicate with me. Otherwise, it seems kinda pointless.

Have a great day everyone...and get out there and LIVE a little (off the computer)! ♥

The Next Chapter

A few things have been racing through my mind lately and I thought, why not share? =)

I'm really starting to feel that the "end of an era" is here for me.

I turn 31 in a few weeks *yikes* and I have gotten into the groove of my new life: raising my daughter, being single, going to school full time and spending more time with family instead of friends. Ten years ago I only cared about boys and concerts. Ha!
I have had a lot of wild times, tragedy dark and light times the last 30 years. I don't regret things I've done or choices I made, I just continue to move on to the next part of my life. I try to learn what I can. And, this next chapter I feel is going to be rather important.

While a lot of my peers are getting married, having babies, buying a home, new car or getting a dream job, I sometimes feel very envious. And, left out. I think it's human nature to wonder "Why not me?" a lot of times but it's all in how you look at it. Every one has a different path, meant for specific purposes. Some of us have our priorities in a different order. And, it's all about choices we make.

For myself, I view this next chapter as the one where I set into motion the life I want for Berlyn & I. I am focused on school, Berlyn and myself. I don't have time or the interest to focus on a man or buying a home or anything else. There is plenty of time for that later. And, I feel it will be much more appreciated if it comes once I feel I have my life together.

One thing I have recently decided to do, I got the inspiration from a fellow FB and Twitter friend who is a single mom and going to school. She has started her own "project" in which she does things to empower herself and make her life better. The one that stood out to me the most was her "To Do List" - compiling and implementing a list of all the things you've neglected doing, put off or ignored but need to be done. For me, this list is already pretty big. *gulp* Phone calls, household errands, assignments, etc. You get the picture.

On a side note, I have been experiencing "the blues" as of late. Mainly triggered by the holidays and all these fun events going on. I sometimes feel like my invitation has gotten lost in the mail but I know it's not intentional. Usually anyways. I guess it's time to start my own traditions. =)

At the end of the day, I always reflect on how I'm feeling and I always come back to two things: "I am blessed" and "I can do more."

One Year Later

So, it's been one year.
One year since I lost a lot of people in my life who, at one time, were my world.
I still have mixed feelings. I miss them but I am still hurt. I still wish things were different and I struggle with understanding WHY things turned out the way they did.
But, this past year has been a soul-searching one for me, and inspired much reflection.
People come into your life for a reason. For a lesson, for support, for guidance, for love. And, then, sometimes they go. You can't regret this, it's just a part of life.
To all those who are now gone from my life, I wish you well and hold your memory dear.

♥

Never say Never.

I'm back....for how long? I have no idea. But, I missed my little blog. And, so many of my friends now have their own blogs and I want to be a part of it too, darnit! =)

So, this year has been QUITE eventful. Nothing major, just burning the candle at both ends. Berlyn is 3, I am in school full-time (12 credits) and I am still single. That just about wraps it up, haha!

I wrote this today, kind of shows my frame of mind right now....

"I love that every day, I learn something new.
I love that I have some beautiful souls who enrich my life and don’t hurt me.
I love that I am on track with my goals and my life is getting better every day.
I love that I am a grown woman and no longer feel the need to “play games” or hurt others.
I love that I see beauty everywhere I look.
I love that one day (soon) my life will be complete and nothing will be able to ruin it again."

Hope all are having a wonderful day! xoxo

2010 Recap...thus far ♥

I've been having a grand old time lately. Better than almost any other time period in my life.

Great job, new (and old) friends, lots of laughs, good luck and fortune shining down on me. And I've already proven to myself (and, others) that I am a really good student! No one is as shocked as I am.

Lately I've been reflecting on paths we take in our personal (or, professional) lives. But, for me, this is almost a DAILY thing. Sometimes I question whether I should go into Psychology or PHILosophy instead. I just think way too much for my own good.

I saw the movie "Grey Gardens" the other night. I am a life-long Drew Barrymore fanatic and I have previously seen the documentary, shot in the 70s on the Beales (Big Edie and Lil Edie). I was totally fascinated by them and their story and I was NOT disappointed by the HBO rendetion. (On a similar note, one of my favorite movies ever was "Norma Jean and Marilyn" that HBO did years ago. I have a few "issues" with their facts on Marilyn, but, I won't go there. It was done well and that's all that matters.)
As I was saying, the story is incredibly intoxicating. One of my most prevelant fears in life has always been being "average". Never reaching your own true potential. Possibly wasting, and watching, your life go by and then one day, you realize, you are old and life has pretty much passed you by. It scares. me. to. death. :(

Here is a quick synopsis of the story/film:

"Based on the life stories of the eccentric aunt and first cousin of Jackie Onassis (both named Edith Bouvier Beale aka "Big and Little Edie"), who were raised as Park Avenue debutantes but withdrew from New York society, taking shelter at their Long Island summer home/estate Grey Gardens. In includes not only the filming of the documentary Grey Gardens by Albert and David Maysles, but also events in the the Beales' past including their arrival at the estate, the disintegration of Big Edie's marriage, Little Edie's failed attempts to have her own life, and events subsequent to the premiere of the documentary."

So, getting back to this years other events and experiences....

I am learning so much about women's health and the medical field. Having had a mother who is an RN my entire life, I was just never interested in any of that. But, now that I am seeing it as a common link to my (hopeful) future career in Psychology, I have a newly found interest. Maybe because all it really means is caring for people and their well-being..whether it's medically or mentally.

On the same note, I am "learning" so much in school. Since I technically was a 10th grade dropout, I never acquired the skills to do many things that people take for granted. One of which is studying. Time management. Add in my ADD, and boy oh boy, this has been a struggle. But, somehow I am managing to juggle full time work, a full time class load and my 2 1/2 year old. Whew...writing that made me tired :)

With the knowledge I gained from all the nightmares and hard knocks in 2009 and the Dave Ramsey class I took, I have finally reached that elusive, amazing thing called "financial peace." Paid off all my debt. ALL of it. Now mine and Berlyn's lives can never be tarnished by bad debts again. HOORAY!

Friends...oh, friends. I, unlike lots of people, can proudly say I know what the true definition of a "best friend" is. I've had the amazing luck to have not one, but three. And I've had many, many other good friends too. But, I've learned the difference between real and fake. True and untrue. Loyalty is huge. If you don't have it, don't waste my time. It's as simple as that. What it comes down to? Appreciate those who appreciate you and make you HAPPY. Don't bother with the toxic ones, the egotistical ones, the ones who thrive on control, drama, or guilt. Let them make their own bed. I was rid of several people last year that had been very unhealthy for me and my life/self-esteem/well-being...and, life truly is better without them. Not to say I don't miss them or the memories. But, you gotta know when it's time to walk away. Because, even bad things can make you feel good. Haha! You know what I mean :) Life is too short to spend with mean people...same can be said with romantic relationships. And, yes, I am still proudly single.

All in all, 2010 has already been tremendously productive, enlightening and just darn good to me and my loved ones. I have to think, that's karma. Not that I haven't made mistakes or wrong decisions. And not that I don't still have bad days and wish I had the body/friends/etc I used to have...But, the time is now past for me to feel guilty anymore. It's time to start living. For this moment. And, I'm already on the path. Amen!

Love to you all!

~Dose of MM~

Happy Friday (the 13th!!!!) everyone! Enjoy your weekend :-) xoxo

It Can't Rain All the Time...

This was a very difficult post for me to write. To be objective and clear-headed whilst my emotions run rampant.

Emotions are so powerful, but, they are also only as powerful as we allow them to be.

This past year, I have lost so many things. My apartment, my job, my money, my friends, my trust in certain people, my drive and ambition, my zest for life, my hope. But, now I am standing here, in the aftermath, and I feel...better. I feel a renewed sense of self and inner strength. And, it's not by accident I feel these things. I had to make some changes; within myself.

I'm at a pivotal point now where I am teaching myself to calm down, think things through, keep my mouth shut (easier said than done at times!), keep my negativity to a minimum, be rational and be logical. It is a hard process; definitely not one you learn overnight. I struggle with it daily, as I am sure many others do too.

I was most certainly not born with an optimistic or positive nature. The attitude I have these days of calm, peace and serenity are something I've had to work very hard to have. Even harder is when life continually seems to throw obstacles, harsh words and razor blades in my path. In spite of this, I try to have a cheery disposition and put a smile on my face.

These are a few beliefs I now follow, whole-heartedly.

Karma is something I have believed in for a long time. The principle of "what goes around, comes around" not only seems fair and just...but, comforting. You want to believe that when bad things happen to good people, somehow it has to balance out.

Personal Accountability is a must. You have to be honest with yourself and not continue to blame others for your problems. I've made my share of bad decisions. I've trusted the wrong people. I've done stupid, stupid things. But, I know who I am on the inside and I know I am a good being. I am learning; that's what humans do. They evolve. And, they make mistakes.

Forgiveness is the key. Forgive those who have wronged you. Stop trying to figure out "why" and just let things "be." Believe in why it happened. Believe that it had to happen. Believe that things do happen for a reason. And, then, move on.

Greet the new day, every day, with a good attitude, an open heart and a fresh pair of eyes.

I hope everyone is enjoying their day!
Much love,
Sarah

Mommy-time

Now that I am, essentially, a "stay-at-home mom" - I look forward to once a week, an evening or morning I get all to myself. While Berlyn is keeping her Daddy busy, I can revert back to what life was like "pre-Berlyn". Trust me; every Mommy needs a break. Especially a single one.

So, with my newfound "freedom"; what have I been doing? Well, for starters, I am able to blog a bit more. I am spending my time reading Psychology textbooks from the 1970's (hello, nerd!) and the 3rd "Twilight" book.  I also am emersing myself in making my GIGANTIC inspiration board (that's been a work in progress for nearly 3 months) and also, music - my truest love. I recently replaced my (stolen) iPod and am proudly up to 10,778 songs...with the capacity for about, oh, 30,000 more. Teehee!
And, of course, getting to spend more time with my baby girl. We color. We play "people" and "house" and read countless books. We run around my parents giant backyard. The weather is crisp and beautiful and I'm really getting to enjoy it this year.

I'm daydreaming about the future and all the things I want to (and plan on) doing. But, this time around I plan on actually following them through. I am so excited to see where I (and Berlyn) are in one year. I just don't want to continue the cycle of "beginning....but never finishing". Something's gotta give.

Too much?

The internet.

It's an amazing, wonderful thing. But, with the creation of MySpace, Facebook and blogging, sometimes you forget that you are broadcasting to the entire world. I know there are some out there that don't believe in sharing too much about one's personal life. Or thoughts and emotions. How much is deemed too much to share? It all depends on the person. I find, the ones who want to judge are the ones who are not comfortable with human emotion. Or, they want things to be all about them, not you. Thank goodness this is my blog, in which I can share whatever my silly little head desires. Right? Right!
So, with that, I feel no shame in expressing myself fully about whatever subject pops into my head at any given time. I'm a woman. I feel things, I love and hate things and I plan on sharing it all with you. Plus, that's just who "I" am, personally. I am comfortable with being open. It's one of my gifts. I'm also a Sagitarrius. I enjoy spontaniety and being impulsive. And I plan on being that way til the day that I die. I'm quite lucky :)

With all that being said, I now feel comfortable to share my latest news.

As of this week, I have lost my job. It's a very real problem out there right now. The economy is awful. And, it's hitting people where it hurts. I am soooooooo very fortunate that my life has taken a few turns recently that put me in a position where I am a) with my family, b) financially stable and c) have a clearer mind thanks to anti-depressants, doctor visits and good old fashioned life lessons. I've lost some friends recently, I've had to fall down a lot to get back up but I've actually learned a valuable lesson. Thank God for that.

So, I lost my job. This is a perfect example of things "happening for a reason". We might not always see why something has happened. Especially when it's painful. But, it's called faith. Faith in God, faith in the goodness of people and faith in that things will get better. They have to. And, I do believe they will. It's just a matter of time (and some hard work & determination.). On another note, I was already planning on going back to school in a few months to pursue my Psychology degree. See? Things do have a way of working themselves out sometimes.

Hope everyone enjoys their day! :)

Rainy Tuesday Thoughts...

Dealing with the reprecussions and consequences of your own poor decisions is never a fun job. But, it is necessary.

You just have to do it.

Especially so it enables you to move on to that next chapter in your life.

Several of my loved ones have also recently gone through a transition and are in the same boat as I am. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this "life stuff."

The moral of every story is always: keep on going. Roadblocks are not always dead-ends. They are just detours leading to a different direction.