I still, occasionally, think of life Pre-Berlyn....
I was conflicted. I was lost. I was SELFISH. I had oodles & OODLES of free time, and you know what? I did nothing with it. The most I ever did was spend hours alone in my room, cutting out images from magazines & making giant collages & scrapbooks of my "dream homes, outfits, men, life"...never happened.
I dreamed of one day, being a Mother. I wanted a girl. But, after many years of thinking "Yeah, my Prince Charming? I think he died"...I had just given UP. I would weep from time to time about being "barren" and watching everyone around me have beautiful little babies. I felt so empty inside. And the really dark side of me? I just thought "You don't deserve a baby". I had committed more than my share of "sins" in 20-something years...I concluded that God/Karma had spoken.
Fast-forward 4 years. On-off again HORRENDOUS relationship with a guy I just could NOT, for the life of me, walk away from OR figure out why I was even subjecting myself to the daily drama/misery/pain. But, I think more women do it than I realized.
When the end came (and it did) in October of 2006...I was at an all-time low in life. I felt exhausted. Emptier still. And hopeless.
Then, the nauseau started. I even lost a few pounds and I thought, "Hey, fine by me!". But, then I started to get concerned....what was UP with my body?!
Short answer? Baby on the way. ???!!!!!!*^$%$#%$%#
So, here it is. 2009. I am a single mother (her father IS a part of her life, by the way)...and doing it all on my own. It's not what I envisioned, but I am happy.
My daughter, Berlyn is turning 2 tomorrow. She is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. Every Mom says that. It sounds contrived...but, for some, it is true. Before her, I was so close to the edge, I almost jumped. She saved me. She gave me a reason to LIVE. She is a little miracle. Everyday, I shake my head in bewilderment at how perfect she is...and funny...and sweet...and silly. And she is mine. I must've done SOMETHING right, somehow, someway...all of my mistakes and failures....I accomplished the greatest thing ever.
Being a Mother. Raising a child. A little girl who will become an amazing woman one day. No matter what I face personally in my life, her life keeps me going.
Happy Birthday, my little Munchie Bear!
July 2nd, 2007:
"BerLizard" (photo credit: Jayme Montoya)