Monday, August 24, 2009

Wow, another one?!

So, I FINALLY posted something today.
Was it a bit elusive?
But, I'm just not ready to be fully open right now. Or spill the, that's all you get. For now. Sorry, I've been accused of being an open book for too long. Now it's time for me to reclaim some of my mystery (LOL....can you hear my stifling my hysterical laughter?! Hey, I'm trying....) I'm just SICK TO DEATH of being lynched for saying what's on my mind (or tongue) seriously, I feel like I belong in Salem sometimes!!! (Ya know, the Witch trials?)

But, I do have many, many WHIRLING, CRAZY, ECCENTRIC thoughts going through my ol' noggin. So, I am gonna share.


How many of you have had that moment?....That "I am fed UP, I am changing my ENTIRE life and this is IT, NOTHING is going to stand in my way..for REAL!!!!I am SERIOUS!!!!" and then...... you get so far in and ....nothing changes?????
You're tired. You're distracted. It's easy to give up. Its simple to just go back to your "day to day, normal life" however crappy & miserable it may be. It's at least "comfortable" Because, ya know, change and hard work is effing scary! And well, hard.

I've had oh, about 50 or so of those "moments". I truly, really felt EXHILARATED. INSPIRED. READY. And then, Ka-PLAT. Nada. Crickets.

And, I hate to say it, but it kinda makes you seem like the "Boy (or Girl) who cried Wolf" many times can people get excited for you or be interested in your "extravagant plans" when you've really never, completely followed them through?
I don't blame anyone. Hell, I'd turn a deaf ear to myself too. I'd say, "Show me the MONEY, b&tch!"

Which, leads me to now.

I am 30 (almost); I am a single mom. And you know what?
As many wonderful, truly beautiful & amazing things I have in my life and that are going for me? I am NOT a happy girl. I can blame a portion of it on depression and genetics, sure...and I do. believe me. But the rest? It's really my own damn fault. This is NOT how I envisioned my life. No way, no how, no thank you. So, what to do?

Complain for another ten years? Nah. Its truly lost its appeal.
Keep making excuses & excuses? I really don't have that many left. I've used all the good ones.

The way I see's either death....or doing something about it.

So, that's where I am at now.

I can either suck it up or slit my wrists. Harsh? Dramatic? Morbid?

Maybe....but, it puts it all into perspective. I need to get a MOVE ON, and soon.

Who's with me?


Olive Owl said...

It is a moment of change, my darlin'! :)
We will be each other's cheerleaders!

Terry said...

I have missed your candor. You are strong and will weather the storms, don't give up dreaming. Reality is for us old folks.

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