Every so often, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Today is one of those days. Actually...it's one of those months.
I have had depression my entire life. Literally. I was diagnosed with it at age 6. And it runs on both sides of my family. I didn't stand a chance.
Most of the time, I am fine. I can be emotional but I can still maintain a normal attitude & behavior. But, every so often, I lose it. It hasn't made the situation any better since I stopped taking the medication that usually stabilizes me, about 3 weeks ago. I thought I was in the clear; guess not.
I spent the morning dealing with girl drama, friend issues, low self-esteem, frustration, loneliness, bitterness. Things I usually avoid at all costs, but sometimes they can sneak up on you.
My daughter decided to be quite difficult this last week too. She drank some hydrogen peroxide a few nights ago (resulting in me calling 911 for the 1st time and seriously PANICKING like I never have before). I couldn't sleep at all that night; I just kept staring at her, thinking about if I had lost her... I was a wreck. Then, making me think she ate a NAIL yesterday (she didn't)...and then deciding this morning to undress herself completely, as I was already running late. After which, she put her shirt on like pants. She succeeded and got her legs into the arm holes. I had to try not to laugh, but it was hard....and I ended up being late. Sigh. What are you gonna do? I have been told, "Just wait...this is only the beginning. There will be many more events like these ahead!" Gee, thanks.
Ultimately, today I had to accept some things about myself I do not like.
I like control. I can never not have the last word. I always feel that I need to defend myself. Probably from all of the things in my past..which, I am not gonna go into. Believe me, I always have my reasons. Always.
I always want people to like me. I never want to offend anyone, even if maybe, just maybe, they deserve it. I feel sometimes like I have a split personality...but then again, I think most people feel that from time to time. The weird part is, I usually feel like I am both of those personalities, always...yet....how can that be?
Today, I had to teach myself to take a step back. Realize that half the time, people do things they may not realize they are actually doing. As well-meaning, good, loving and compassionate as we all think we are...sometimes, we aren't. Or people do not see us that way.
After so many years of constant "misunderstandings", I just give up on trying to explain myself anymore. Someone, somewhere is always going to misinterpret what you meant to say. Or just not "get you" the way you had hoped they would. It's best just to move forward. You hope that your friends & family know who you really are, somehow, someway...and you never have to explain things...but that is not always the case, I have come to find. But I know who I am. I have to look at myself in the mirror at the end of everyday and live with myself. And you know what? I can. I am far from perfect but I know that I always mean well and sometimes I just can't communicate properly. So, sue me.
These last few days, I am PMS-ing bad. Already being an emotional person, you can imagine just how looney I can get around this time. I spent my lunch hour with my new roomate, who has been a friend for about 2 years. He moved in last week. Now we are getting the opportunity to really get to know each other. We are so similar. And it's nice to "come home" to someone who can calm you down, make you smile and give great advice. I've never had that before. It's nice.
Today "L" said this to me (in reference to all of my personal drama recently) -
"Your mind is your space. Don't just give a lease to anyone (or anything) to occupy your mind...be picky...and kick them out if they are causing upheaval in your life!" Well said, my friend :)
Then we listened to "PMS Blues" by Dolly Parton & I laughed my ass off.
Add to this, my parents are visiting Los Angeles this week (to see all our family & friends).....without me. I can't tell you what this does to me mentally, except that it makes me feel like I lead 2 seperate lives still. The one I used to have, in California....and the one I have now, in Idaho. You'd think after 14 years, I'd have dealt with it. But I haven't. It still rips me apart inside. I miss California...and my "old life" every single day. It's ridiculous, after all this time...but I still carry around so much pain from it.