Me, 15 years ago. I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. Literally, nothing made me scared. I could walk down a dark street in West Hollywood, at 2AM and feel indestructible. I could walk up to anyone who offended me or hurt me & say EXACTLY what I felt. Nobody had power over me or my feelings. I was in control (most of the time), creative, wild, free, strong. I felt alive & unstoppable. Then, I moved to Idaho. It was a new beginning but not one I wanted, at the time. I fought against it. But ultimately, time changes things. Everything. You adapt. You conform. You get beaten down & lose resistance. The world is not always a friendly place or an accepting one. Especially of anything "different". I've been thinking A LOT lately about how we change through the years, personally. I think about who I was, as opposed as to who I am NOW. Its funny how, you DO adapt, conform & "tweak" your personality to fit people's standards or ideas. Those in my life in the last 10 years or so, really don't have a clue who I used to be. If they met "Sarah, circa 1994" on the street, I would bet money they would runaway, screaming. LOL..okay, a little melodramatic, but not too farfetched. I have changed, matured, evolved in that time. But I am STILL that person I was 15 years ago....they just don't "know" her now.
I feel like, more often than not, I am having to "restrain" that old me. That she's like some sort of dirty, little secret & if anyone gets a small glimpse of her, they couldn't handle it. I'm tired of trying to be something to everyone. I believe that true love & friendship stems from UNCONDITIONAL love & acceptance. In all areas. Sure, even our favorite people have traits we don't always like (or understand)...but we love them regardless.
Lots of changes going on lately. Internally. I am an "observer"...I always have an active brain, but sometimes keep things to myself. Or at other times, I say way TOO much and it gets me in trouble....but WHY should I apologize for speaking my mind?!
One thing I DETEST more than anything in the World is "fake". I do not tolerate it & never will.
So, with that being said...I have some new goals & agendas, due to recent events in my personal life -
* Being brutally honest; always. I would never intend to hurt anyone but it can happen. I just believe that sometimes being blunt is better than being nice (ie...fake). Being fake does far more damage because you never really know if that person is being GENIUNE.
* Fake friends? Buh-bye. I spent many, many, MANY years being unpopular, a loner, a freak, and I was perfectly HAPPY. I always had projects, ideas, hobbies and I was comfortable with myself. I didn't need a large group of people to validate me or even, a boyfriend. I strive to get back to being independent in that sense. I LOVE my friends & family. But I think also, people can lose themselves in trying to please all of their loved ones when really, we should be pleasing ourselves too. So, I am done with certain people in my life being nothing more than a warm body & a cold heart that show NO interest and make NO effort in actually being a friend...or even treating me like another human being. People like that only suck the life outta you, if you allow it to happen. Sometimes it's best just to walk away.
* Learning to be alone again. Don't under-estimate the power of being your own best friend. I used to love myself, insanely. But over the years, certain individuals I spent my time with, made me not like myself. My self-esteem was in the dumps. I allowed it to happen. I turned a blind eye; but, not now. Not ever again.
Love to you all,
Sarah
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